Passing the time in pixels.

I saw my little sister doing this. It intrigued me to no ends. I did not get the time till this week to actually download the app.

Introducing colouring by pixel. So what we do is we are given a picture, we zoom in on it, and the picture is pixelised to alphabet and numbers that correspond to the colour palette required for the photo.

And we colour accordingly.

Helped me pass my time. Gave me the satisfaction of putting things in proper place ( a slight sense of ocd). Calmed me down among the chaos my kids and husband create. My thoughts somehow stop running in my head and all I am doing is digitally colouring.

I shall find an adult colouring book and grab some markers and begin colouring. I love that peace it gives.

Just among these lines, once upon a time I was a budding artist. I loved colour pencils and and I used to sit down and draw and colour lots and lots of pictures. I received a lot of appreciation for that at school. But my parents thought colouring was a childish hobby for a teenager and they often ridiculed me for it. And then my sister started doing the same and somehow I let go of colouring amd drawing. At one point I told her I let it so that she could excel in it. And man, has she excelled! My sister is an artist with a Pro level. She is this really amazing talented artist eho works both physical art and digital art. I hope someday she becomes famous for her work. It broke me to see she couldn’t pursue it as a career but she hasn’t backed down.

So I let go of it all. Once in a while, the artist in my yearns to do drawing and colouring once again. Maybe I might begin soon. I must.

Four Years Later…

Yeah. It has been that long.

My favourite month of the year is Ramadan. I literally feel completely blanketed in the mercy, warmth and blessings of my Lord.

The best part among others about this month used to be going to the ladies section of the mosque to perform special prayers called as Taraweeh. The best part of Taraweeh being the dua (supplication) at the end of it.

That was only in KSA. For 22 years I had a favourite mosque and many favourite Imams due to their exemplery Qiraats.

I felt so blessed. It is an extraordinary connection with God that only a mosque can offer. It’s like a pure place. A part of heaven. And what a privilege.

I dont have the clicks in my camera , but these two are my most favourite:

King Fahad Grand Mosque. Al khobar.

My most Favourite: Masjid Abdul Rahman bin Auf. Al khobar.

Books transport people to another world. At least I get transported.

But to another world where things happen.

In the mosque, I find a piece of heaven. My heaven. A place where you leave behind all relations, responsibilities, social chains. Only to be lost in the serenic soothing verses and wishing time stops.

When I left KSA on exit and moved to India. My this piece of heaven vanished. In India it’s looked down upon for women to go to mosques to pray. I agree too because of the fashion show some of us put up going to the mosque and totally ruining the purpose also without proper Hijab.

My first Ramadan after marriage was in KSA. My Second Ramadan, I wept my heart out on the prayer mat at my home in India for being so far away from Heaven.

The third Ramadan I went back to KSA on a visit to my parents home. I was an expectant mother at that time. I would sit on a chair and pray but I went. I ran to the mosque. My heaven.

Air conditioned, beautifully scented, amazingly structured and furnished, calm lighting. These things held my heart.

When I went back to India for good. I once again lost my opportunity to pray in the mosque.

Ramadan 4, 5 and 6. I spent on my prayer mat at home. Yearning for the touch of the carpet of a mosque on my forehead.

Khuda ke paas deyr hai..

Andeyr nahi…

A wise saying that says there is delay in the answering of prayer by God. But there is never a darkness or a complete no.

And here I am today. 4 Ramadan later. Running to another beautiful mosque in my area with my two little children. To pray.

To dissolve myself. My heart. My soul. My whole being. On the musallah of the Masjid e Madinah.

Too beautiful a feeling to describe.

Too heartening to explain.

No one other than God himself knows how I yearned to be there. In a mosque. To pray to him. In a place meant only for that exact purpose.

My happiness knew no bounds. I stood there quivering with joy, with tears running down my face. Thank you God. For letting me in your home. For giving me a chance to bow down before you in a place you prefer to be prayed to.

I am happy tonight. I sleep in peace tonight. With the happiness that my dua my supplication was answered. That my yearning never went in vain.

As I sit now praying the morning prayer on my prayer mat home. I am at peace. Because I know, my piece of heaven is close by. And I can go there. Whenever I wish to escape this world. Whenever I wish to dissolve in tranquility.

My take on – TOYS by James Patterson

toys

 

Okay. So nothing prepared me for this book. Nothing.

I picked it out from a lot in DMart back home in India. I brought it along as a travel time-pass. However, due to tiredness and sheer lethargy of the long flights, I couldn’t take this out of my bag.

A good thing. Or else anyone even minutely disturbing me would be punched in the face. That’s how gripping this book is.

In the own words of James:

james

 

The pages truly turn themselves. I had been meaning to read it from a long while. However, the time was never right. Until today.

The kids were asleep and hubby late from work. Straight three hours.

At first it maddened me that it wasn’t about humans but some technologically morphed humans. But slowly it picked up speed. Such speed that I couldn’t do anything else until I read every line and every page.

Mind blowing book. I got totally gobsmacked by it.

Its a book about a guy named Hays. Its a vision about what would happen if Humans stopped being careful of their actions. If they took science to a whole scary level. The feeling of being controlled by beings smarter, equipped, numb than us made my skin crawl. I was enthralled till the end.

As always I somehow sync with the characters in every book I read. It is almost always the area about love where everything goes berserk for me.

Like the story begins about how much Hays loves his wife Lizbeth and their two daughters. Until later when he finds out how much she lied about everything, including her age and her whole existence. But even through all of that they had that touch, that unmistakable loving touch of marriage. No matter how much they ended up hating each other for being on the wrong sides of the lines of war, they cooperate.

Well, that’s not the whole picture of the novel though. It is a book about resilience. About being smart and well equipped. Where dumbness and stupidity is abhorred and factually fails everywhere.

What did I learn? I learnt to be equipped with knowledge. I learnt to be armed to face situations that might shatter my world and how to be strong beyond that. How not to give up until the whole truth is out. I learnt to be grateful for the little blessings in life like family and love. I learnt that technology is great but must never be misused. I also learnt on being a responsible citizen of this world. When it comes to humanity, there are no borders. Just our very own flesh and bones and we must be there for each other.

The “Elites” in the book wanted to fix the world by eradicating the human race. But humans win the war. Lesson learnt the hard way, they do not take revenge by eradicating the Elite. They simply tune them to be submissive and humble, caring and compassionate. For there is no greater victory than in spreading peace and love.

 

Calming a raging storm.

Chaos hit me once more. It keeps hitting me. And sooner or later somehow I come out of it.

This time it looked impossibly. Everything, Every.Single.Thing, in my life right now is broken, leaking, poor, damaged or over. I am tired of this “I don’t need money just love” funda that I thought I could live through. I can’t.

I am stuck among negativity, revenge, cutting throat sarcasm, sweetened slavery. I don’t even know how to word my other problems. No matter where I am turning to, I am finding a dead end. It is very hard for me.

I cried for half an hour in the shower.

When life along with the soul is disturbed, nothing can be done. Maybe something can. I am turning around everywhere to find closed doors. I cannot, not in any freaking case, I can’t be where I am. I don’t even want to think of any reason to regret. I want to go. I am not meant for this. This is not who I should be. This is not what I should be doing.

My hands are tied. I want to shut my ears.

My soul is screaming inside my body. It is so hard, so very hard to calm myself down. Nobody, No freaking soul around me can calm this storm inside me. I am praying to God.

The silence is deafening. I am feeling so lonely.

I live in a house, with people in it. I have kids. I have a good husband. I have food to survive. I am thankful to God for all of this.

There is a scholar I greatly revere. He constantly stresses on having good character, mannerism and goodwill. Lack of all this along with a double dose of unthankfulness and negativity ravages in the house I live in.

I yearn. My soul yearns…..for peace. For calm. I want to redo and restart my life afresh. I want to have makeover of everything I am doing.

I recently read and article, that if you feel you are in a place that you feel is NOT THIS, then go get what you want. I am in the NOT THIS part of my life. I want to do something. But what I don’t know. I am living in a pathetic society, pathetic mentality, limited resources, no options, nothing.

Everything is so hard.

My kids aren’t making things easier for me either.

Hanging on by a withering thread of hope. Waiting for some freaking light to shine down me and get me out of here.

I am DONE. SOOOO DONE.

Anger.

Lots of it. I am lately feeling a lot of anger. And it is not because of just one reason. A lot of things are piling up in the back of my head. It is taking just one small thing and everything us almost exploding. 

I have never been an angry person. I was always disappointed. Then it all became a teary eyed sad pillow sobbing. Nobody in my family ever saw me angry or crying or sad. I was that good at putting my emotions behind a façade…my older family that is. This new family of husband, his folks and our kids. Maybe I have undergone hormonal changes. But it is unnerving. The fact that I can’t control my feelings. Mostly my anger.

My kids are being normal kids. Buy sometimes they get on my nerves. It is very hard for anyone to get on my nerves. I am usually a chill person. But I don’t like this anger. It is getting to me. Words are piercing deeper than they should. When his folks casually show disdain at my lifestyle its like they are pressing all my buttons. They aren’t really. But these new emotions are making me mad. I fume at disorder. Maybe the most irritating thing to me is doing repititive cleaning tasks. There is only so much mess I can live with. I even feel a little OCD creeping in. Unkempt bathroom and bedroom is unwiring me slowly. I am hating this loss of chill that I feel.

Its really shaming when my daughter keeps telling me mom why are you angry? I tell her exasperatedly that no baby I am not angry, I am just concentrating on my work. I know I am responding to her with a bit of heat. I am coming out to her like an always angry mom busy doing things or resting and always asking her to keep quiet or keep things neat and proper.

Motherhood is getting to me. My kids were easier as babies. I didn’t have to tell anything to them, knowing they won’t understand. I just did the stuff. Plus crawling babies hardly make a mess. Right now, they are like two battery operated cars running at full speed with no stop button until sleep. I am unable to explain my exhaustion to anyone. And if anyone tells me I don’t work much at home, I just want to rip their head off their bodies straight away…..

A Walk To Remember…

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When life gets really messed up like our headphones and frustratingly impossible to sort it out, the best peacemaker is a good novel.
In the midst of the storm in my soul, I came across Nicholas Sparks’s A Walk To Remember.
A beautiful book meant to bring meaning to life.
I began reading it in the middle of my chaos, and ended up as a softened person.
Recently my heart became cold as ice and stiff as stone. Nothing, literally nothing was melting me. I cried a few tears over emotional moments but my eyelids by now hurt too much each time. So I mentally escape into another land.
I thoroughly believe that there should be no regrets in life. And recently I had begun to regret my present, because it appeared to me that I am pushing my time and doing nothing worthwhile.
And so this book. I downloaded it as pdf form. This was a bit sad for me because I love a book in its physical form, its unique smell, the texture of the pages. I don’t read a book, I romance a book. Anyway, the pdf was better than nothing.
About the book. I loved A Walk To Remember sooo much more than most of the other books I have read. The concept of falling in true love that comes with utmost faith in God and goodness to mankind is beautiful. A clean and neat book in these present times. Nothing nude, nothing enticing. But romantic enough to be able to be remembered for the rest of my life. Romantic enough that my heart yearned to see such pure love and compassion around me. Simple language with detailed description of beauty.
A walk to remember is a novel that revolves around young love. Seventeen, the utmost brink of teenage that makes every normal thing exciting, everything lively, colourful and daring. Amidst the dances, dinners, dates and kisses, a young lad Landon, the son of a congressman finds himself unwillingly pulled into helping the simple daughter, Jamie, of Reverend Hegbert. The story is set in North Carolina in the extremely beautiful town of Beaufort. Jamie asks Landon to be a major character in a thoughtful play written by her father. Attachment builds up between them together in a sensitive yet appealing way. Somewhere between helping the orphans, collecting charity, practicing at the rehearsals, and walking home together the duo fall in love. A gentle romantic love. Nothing demanding, nothing destructive. And just when the flowers of love bloomed, a storm came by and scattered the petals. Jamie is diagnosed with a rare case of leukaemia, which at that time was untreatable. As they stand together in each other’s arms on a cold breezy evening and cry their hearts out, i am sure the writer didn’t know but that scene must have broken every reader’s heart badly than any other emotion faced in real life. Well it broke mine real bad. The novel depicts how a genuine goodness and god fearingness (if that is a word) can totally redirect a detoured person’s life. Jamie with all her forgiving nature, simplicity, patience and utmost trust and faith in God was able to not only win Landon’s heart but also changed the life of the people of Beaufort. And maybe even mine. Anyway, as time is running out for Jamie, Landon tries his best to do whatever he can to make lasting memories with her. He reads the Holy Bible with her, helps at the orphanage she loves, comforts her and her distraught father. When his heart doesn’t get peace he recalls about the one thing that Jamie dreamt off that she would love to do. When it hits Landon, he makes up his mind. He decides to get married to Jamie. His Jamie, his ailing Jamie, his beloved Jamie. And nothing wrenches the heart more in the novel than the way the wedding scene is written. No matter how much in pain and suffering Jamie was in, she walked down the isle, to marry the one man she loved with all her heart. And that was definitely a walk to remember forever.
This novel also reminded me of my walk on my wedding night. When the person I loved the most, held my hand and I squeezed his hand tighter and we walked down the stage to our car, that should be the walk I should remember all my life. Just the way Jamie said to Landon that I will pray for you, I prayed for my love too. And yes , by God’s grace I am beside him today. But maybe if Jamie got to live in the novel I would know how the magic remained. But alas I am left to figure out a way to untangle my headphone wire-type of life all by myself. This is certain that if Jamie would survive she would have been the same God fearing pleasant person she always was. I am not that sort. But I could try to be. Maybe that would brighten up the lustre in my misty life.
I know my review can never ever do justice to this beautiful novel. Those who wholeheartedly believe in true love, and believe that love is a sacred beautiful sentiment of life will cry tears every time they come across the novel. An extremely excellent read for all ages. Even if this novel gets scripted into a movie, nothing can beat the string of words the author has used to tug at the reader’s heart. Hats off to Nicholas Sparks. This novel has made me contemplate on my life in a very new and better perspective. As Jamie puts it, It’s the Lord’s plan!