Calming a raging storm.

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Chaos hit me once more. It keeps hitting me. And sooner or later somehow I come out of it.

This time it looked impossibly. Everything, Every.Single.Thing, in my life right now is broken, leaking, poor, damaged or over. I am tired of this “I don’t need money just love” funda that I thought I could live through. I can’t.

I am stuck among negativity, revenge, cutting throat sarcasm, sweetened slavery. I don’t even know how to word my other problems. No matter where I am turning to, I am finding a dead end. It is very hard for me.

I cried for half an hour in the shower.

When life along with the soul is disturbed, nothing can be done. Maybe something can. I am turning around everywhere to find closed doors. I cannot, not in any freaking case, I can’t be where I am. I don’t even want to think of any reason to regret. I want to go. I am not meant for this. This is not who I should be. This is not what I should be doing.

My hands are tied. I want to shut my ears.

My soul is screaming inside my body. It is so hard, so very hard to calm myself down. Nobody, No freaking soul around me can calm this storm inside me. I am praying to God.

The silence is deafening. I am feeling so lonely.

I live in a house, with people in it. I have kids. I have a good husband. I have food to survive. I am thankful to God for all of this.

There is a scholar I greatly revere. He constantly stresses on having good character, mannerism and goodwill. Lack of all this along with a double dose of unthankfulness and negativity ravages in the house I live in.

I yearn. My soul yearns…..for peace. For calm. I want to redo and restart my life afresh. I want to have makeover of everything I am doing.

I recently read and article, that if you feel you are in a place that you feel is NOT THIS, then go get what you want. I am in the NOT THIS part of my life. I want to do something. But what I don’t know. I am living in a pathetic society, pathetic mentality, limited resources, no options, nothing.

Everything is so hard.

My kids aren’t making things easier for me either.

Hanging on by a withering thread of hope. Waiting for some freaking light to shine down me and get me out of here.

I am DONE. SOOOO DONE.

Anger.

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Lots of it. I am lately feeling a lot of anger. And it is not because of just one reason. A lot of things are piling up in the back of my head. It is taking just one small thing and everything us almost exploding. 

I have never been an angry person. I was always disappointed. Then it all became a teary eyed sad pillow sobbing. Nobody in my family ever saw me angry or crying or sad. I was that good at putting my emotions behind a fa├žade…my older family that is. This new family of husband, his folks and our kids. Maybe I have undergone hormonal changes. But it is unnerving. The fact that I can’t control my feelings. Mostly my anger.

My kids are being normal kids. Buy sometimes they get on my nerves. It is very hard for anyone to get on my nerves. I am usually a chill person. But I don’t like this anger. It is getting to me. Words are piercing deeper than they should. When his folks casually show disdain at my lifestyle its like they are pressing all my buttons. They aren’t really. But these new emotions are making me mad. I fume at disorder. Maybe the most irritating thing to me is doing repititive cleaning tasks. There is only so much mess I can live with. I even feel a little OCD creeping in. Unkempt bathroom and bedroom is unwiring me slowly. I am hating this loss of chill that I feel.

Its really shaming when my daughter keeps telling me mom why are you angry? I tell her exasperatedly that no baby I am not angry, I am just concentrating on my work. I know I am responding to her with a bit of heat. I am coming out to her like an always angry mom busy doing things or resting and always asking her to keep quiet or keep things neat and proper.

Motherhood is getting to me. My kids were easier as babies. I didn’t have to tell anything to them, knowing they won’t understand. I just did the stuff. Plus crawling babies hardly make a mess. Right now, they are like two battery operated cars running at full speed with no stop button until sleep. I am unable to explain my exhaustion to anyone. And if anyone tells me I don’t work much at home, I just want to rip their head off their bodies straight away…..

A Walk To Remember…

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When life gets really messed up like our headphones and frustratingly impossible to sort it out, the best peacemaker is a good novel.
In the midst of the storm in my soul, I came across Nicholas Sparks’s A Walk To Remember.
A beautiful book meant to bring meaning to life.
I began reading it in the middle of my chaos, and ended up as a softened person.
Recently my heart became cold as ice and stiff as stone. Nothing, literally nothing was melting me. I cried a few tears over emotional moments but my eyelids by now hurt too much each time. So I mentally escape into another land.
I thoroughly believe that there should be no regrets in life. And recently I had begun to regret my present, because it appeared to me that I am pushing my time and doing nothing worthwhile.
And so this book. I downloaded it as pdf form. This was a bit sad for me because I love a book in its physical form, its unique smell, the texture of the pages. I don’t read a book, I romance a book. Anyway, the pdf was better than nothing.
About the book. I loved A Walk To Remember sooo much more than most of the other books I have read. The concept of falling in true love that comes with utmost faith in God and goodness to mankind is beautiful. A clean and neat book in these present times. Nothing nude, nothing enticing. But romantic enough to be able to be remembered for the rest of my life. Romantic enough that my heart yearned to see such pure love and compassion around me. Simple language with detailed description of beauty.
A walk to remember is a novel that revolves around young love. Seventeen, the utmost brink of teenage that makes every normal thing exciting, everything lively, colourful and daring. Amidst the dances, dinners, dates and kisses, a young lad Landon, the son of a congressman finds himself unwillingly pulled into helping the simple daughter, Jamie, of Reverend Hegbert. The story is set in North Carolina in the extremely beautiful town of Beaufort. Jamie asks Landon to be a major character in a thoughtful play written by her father. Attachment builds up between them together in a sensitive yet appealing way. Somewhere between helping the orphans, collecting charity, practicing at the rehearsals, and walking home together the duo fall in love. A gentle romantic love. Nothing demanding, nothing destructive. And just when the flowers of love bloomed, a storm came by and scattered the petals. Jamie is diagnosed with a rare case of leukaemia, which at that time was untreatable. As they stand together in each other’s arms on a cold breezy evening and cry their hearts out, i am sure the writer didn’t know but that scene must have broken every reader’s heart badly than any other emotion faced in real life. Well it broke mine real bad. The novel depicts how a genuine goodness and god fearingness (if that is a word) can totally redirect a detoured person’s life. Jamie with all her forgiving nature, simplicity, patience and utmost trust and faith in God was able to not only win Landon’s heart but also changed the life of the people of Beaufort. And maybe even mine. Anyway, as time is running out for Jamie, Landon tries his best to do whatever he can to make lasting memories with her. He reads the Holy Bible with her, helps at the orphanage she loves, comforts her and her distraught father. When his heart doesn’t get peace he recalls about the one thing that Jamie dreamt off that she would love to do. When it hits Landon, he makes up his mind. He decides to get married to Jamie. His Jamie, his ailing Jamie, his beloved Jamie. And nothing wrenches the heart more in the novel than the way the wedding scene is written. No matter how much in pain and suffering Jamie was in, she walked down the isle, to marry the one man she loved with all her heart. And that was definitely a walk to remember forever.
This novel also reminded me of my walk on my wedding night. When the person I loved the most, held my hand and I squeezed his hand tighter and we walked down the stage to our car, that should be the walk I should remember all my life. Just the way Jamie said to Landon that I will pray for you, I prayed for my love too. And yes , by God’s grace I am beside him today. But maybe if Jamie got to live in the novel I would know how the magic remained. But alas I am left to figure out a way to untangle my headphone wire-type of life all by myself. This is certain that if Jamie would survive she would have been the same God fearing pleasant person she always was. I am not that sort. But I could try to be. Maybe that would brighten up the lustre in my misty life.
I know my review can never ever do justice to this beautiful novel. Those who wholeheartedly believe in true love, and believe that love is a sacred beautiful sentiment of life will cry tears every time they come across the novel. An extremely excellent read for all ages. Even if this novel gets scripted into a movie, nothing can beat the string of words the author has used to tug at the reader’s heart. Hats off to Nicholas Sparks. This novel has made me contemplate on my life in a very new and better perspective. As Jamie puts it, It’s the Lord’s plan!