Running the cogwheels

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The Holy month has just passed by. I absorbed as much of goodness as I could. Schedules have restrung to their old order. I am back.

My day begins at dawn. With the arrival of my hubs from work. His breakfast and the days-going fill my belly. I go back to sleep, peaceful till mid morning when my two toddlers take turns for pee and poo and tv and brekkie. My day of awakefulness and normalcy actually begins at noon or an hour after.

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I take a rushed brunch and begin my meal preps that last for about two to three hours. Along with regular intervals of pees and poos. Then the internet gets on so I do my customary social media surfing until my late lunch. After that my kids have their meal. And then I get time to do anything till 6.

I either play subway surfers or learn typing on Alison.com or come blogging, like I did now. Then I take tutions for a 9th grade student right upto 8 o clock. I then do not understand how it suddenly turns 11 in the night and I jump back to my glorious bed.

It does appear that I don’t do much. But I get dead tired. The washing of clothes, the running after and feeding the toddlers, the meal preparations, the sweeping of my room, the clearing of the kitchen top. Everything. Its tiring. But all this are brain freezing chores.

There is a list of things I need to be doing beside these chores.

I have to learn French, learn MS Office, learn typing perfectly. I have to homeschool my moody daughter, and also teach her Arabic. I have to stitch a few clothes. I have to teach my son to hold a pencil and draw upon instructions.

Each of the above tasks have sub-lists. And just the humongous-ness  of these tasks make me collapse back…to my glorious comfy bed. Magical place indeed!!!!

Anger.

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Lots of it. I am lately feeling a lot of anger. And it is not because of just one reason. A lot of things are piling up in the back of my head. It is taking just one small thing and everything us almost exploding. 

I have never been an angry person. I was always disappointed. Then it all became a teary eyed sad pillow sobbing. Nobody in my family ever saw me angry or crying or sad. I was that good at putting my emotions behind a façade…my older family that is. This new family of husband, his folks and our kids. Maybe I have undergone hormonal changes. But it is unnerving. The fact that I can’t control my feelings. Mostly my anger.

My kids are being normal kids. Buy sometimes they get on my nerves. It is very hard for anyone to get on my nerves. I am usually a chill person. But I don’t like this anger. It is getting to me. Words are piercing deeper than they should. When his folks casually show disdain at my lifestyle its like they are pressing all my buttons. They aren’t really. But these new emotions are making me mad. I fume at disorder. Maybe the most irritating thing to me is doing repititive cleaning tasks. There is only so much mess I can live with. I even feel a little OCD creeping in. Unkempt bathroom and bedroom is unwiring me slowly. I am hating this loss of chill that I feel.

Its really shaming when my daughter keeps telling me mom why are you angry? I tell her exasperatedly that no baby I am not angry, I am just concentrating on my work. I know I am responding to her with a bit of heat. I am coming out to her like an always angry mom busy doing things or resting and always asking her to keep quiet or keep things neat and proper.

Motherhood is getting to me. My kids were easier as babies. I didn’t have to tell anything to them, knowing they won’t understand. I just did the stuff. Plus crawling babies hardly make a mess. Right now, they are like two battery operated cars running at full speed with no stop button until sleep. I am unable to explain my exhaustion to anyone. And if anyone tells me I don’t work much at home, I just want to rip their head off their bodies straight away…..