I am tired of defining life.
My son’s ear tube surgery went well. Amidst my emotional torment, I heartbreakingly admitted my tiny son in a hospital, dressed him in a hospital gown and watched him walk into an operation theater. Alone. I had tears, but I wiped them myself. I had to be strong. For my own self. I had to be strong. Then he came out. And walked home that evening like nothing happened. I was grateful to God for that.
There are a lot of moments I am grateful to God for.
But all those moments are sandwiched between such pathetic struggles and sorrow, I cant explain.
I am stuck. I hate being stuck. When I came to Canada, I thought a new leaf had turned over in my life. But no. Its just a new routine. New wonderful location. Even more tempting opportunities to achieve my dreams.
But no, life is not going to give them to me. Not so soon. I am still having to be stuck in this fucked up sinkhole. I thought I was done. But no, I have another huge time to spend watching my life spazm me multiple times while I watch helplessly as it shall continue to do so.
My blog posts, earlier my poetry, is a sad tyrade of feelings. Always been the same.
There is so much to do. There is so much I want to do. I have bound myself with my own stupid restrictions and fears and the moment time slips out life is out there with a whiplash. It smacks me right and left so hard, I collapse in my own puddle.
Tomorrow I celebrate 7 years of marriage. If there is one thing I would regret it is this:
Be like a diamond that is found very rare.
Not like a stone that is found everywhere.
I thought I was being a diamond. I thought what I was doing and how I was being was like a diamond.
Stone? Heck I wasn’t even being a tangible thing. I was being like water.
If there is one thing I would tell my 22 year old self that day that many years ago, I would have said to be myself.
I was proud of who I was then. I was sure of every step I took. I always knew what I was doing, why I was doing and what I was getting into.
Now, I lost myself. In this vast abyss of emptiness, in my struggle to find my true self, I am lost.
I want to take apart my life and join it back differently. I need to be brave and stop this overthinking. I need to stop over deciding.
There are some things I do that I feel are Holy or worthy or benefitial. Maybe I need to look at life at a different angle.
When I look at my sister, I admire her. She strongly stands up for what she wants and she gets it. She stays firm and breaks down for no one. When I look at me, I am a bunch of excuses. Why? Her question is always so right, it pokes me. She asks me why am I such a people pleaser? She asks me what am I doing to myself?
I don’t have an answer. Just another bunch of sorry excuses that I hide behind.
I am still harsh on my daughter. I am watching myself mess up my relation with her. With the new baby coming around the corner, I don’t know how worse it is going to get. I don’t know how my relation with my son will turn out to be.
As I struggle with this emotional madness inside my head, I am slowly watching my life spiralling out of control. Everything. I have just three more months of waiting. Then a whole new wave of whatever life is going to hand out to me will be hitting me.
I am unprepared. Totally unprepared. For the tsunami about to hit me. My strength keeps buckling beneath me. And I give myself fake hopes. Its the only thing that has kept me on.