Pouring Rain

Things have looked brighter than my previous post. Such is love. It kills you once and you think that you are done with everything. Then one smile, one hug and one heartfelt embrace, then all the angst melts away. Like new…everything rebirths itself.

Toronto had one windy rainy Monday. I was taken by surprise, utterly overwhelmed. I wasn’t wearing too much warm clothes and the rain hit my face through my children’s umbrella. I ran across the store and got a huge lovely one for me.

Man must never expect anything from man. Man must only expect from God and that too in full faith. Simple to say. Simple to believe. Hard to execute.

I caught a cold, a headache and a lousy itchy throat.

Feeling a lot better today, hence out and about in the library.

I was hell bent on getting a part time job last week. Everything was out fine till Saturday morning when my partner asked me to give myself some more time before I plunged into the workforce. I know I have lots of hours between my kids schooling. It broke my heart for the thought to not work again and wait for I don’t know how long. But I am glad I waited and listened to him. I fell ill this week. That would have been fatal on the job first week.

I have hence come up with a new idea. I shall teach people English. There are many I see here struggling for the same. I shall do my best flex my schedule.

I hope to do a lot of things:

  1. Buy a new laptop
  2. Buy a cellphone for myself
  3. Redo my wardrobe and kids too
  4. Get a Canadian Degree
  5. Buy a car.

Till here. I want to reach till here minimum. One day I hope to run an empire. I dream of running an organisation. Make a change in people’s lives.

Or maybe I am being too fancy….

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So long…

Its been so long. Once again. Do I lack consistency? Maybe, maybe no.

Have you ever fallen. Into a deep abyss. Such that you feel you are climbing out. But as soon as you look up to see how much more to go. Then you gawk at how much more to go on. Then you slip. Then you fall back down there.

Kya shay hai ujadna

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Hum royenge ithna

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Behjayega chehra

Hamein maloom nahi tha….

I got stuck on repeat to this song.

As I sit here at 12:05 am in the night, I just retrospect on myself. I have drifted away. From who I used to be.

There has been an emptiness within me since childhood.

Waise toh nazar atey hai

Sabh apne hai lekin

Koi nahi hai apna

Hamein maloom nahi tha….

All that went away when I married the love of my life. My life since then revolved around him. Everything was perfect. It still seems is.

But then that love has faded. It is shocking. It is horrifying. I held on to love with all my heart. I dint know it would slip away from my palm like sand.

Auron ke liye

Hum basatey rahey duniya

Khojayega ka rasta

Padjayega marna

Khojayega saaya

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Hum royenge ithna

Hamein maloom nahi tha…

What exactly is love? When you give your all to someone and expect it back?

Why is it so hard? Why is it so difficuly?

I used to see me in your honey brown eyes. You used to tell me how much you loved me. Every tear in my eyes and every pain of mine shook you. I always had your shoulder to lean on. I could always tell you everything, without fearing any consequences. To me that was the greatest thing ever on this planet. And you would listen. To all my endless talks and my silliness. You would look in my eyes and tell me how much you loved my voice. How much you loved my eyes and my face. How much you waited to call me and text me. How much you missed me when not with me. How holding my hand excited you no matter what. How you always had my back no matter what…..

Where did all that go away? I still look into your eyes. I dont find me there. I dont…. I crave to pour my heart out to you. But you look right through me. You have some story running in your head while you hear me speak. So you actually dont hear anything. My touch doesnt thrill you anymore. My tears mean nothing. You let them flow. You cause them and look away. You see my heart break into a bazillion pieces and you watch me pick up my pieces and drown in sorrow. It no longer matters to you.

That flight to London to Toronto….I dont know…. I dont know what was the exact location..time or moment. But now my heart knows 100% that I have lost you.

I have fallen from your heart. And you know the icing to the cake?

You tell it to me. You spell out to me. You look right in my eyes and tell that you are just *playing a role* in my life. Do you even know what that means? You have looked right out into my eyes countless times how my face isnt charming or my physique isnt your type. You tell me I no longer fascinate you. You tell me you are bored. You correct me on every point. There is a sharpness in your words and coldness in your eyes. Your aura no longer strikes with mine.

As the people around me stride through life, I have gotten lost. This last week, you asked me to leave you. You asked me to get lost. Its not the first time though. You destroyed my faith that night. My soul. You scraped my soul. You dug through me and killed me.

My raging tears watch you sleep peacefully tonight… I have never felt this alone in my whole life. I can never bring myself to walk away from you. Never. Because I gave you my all. I can never do that again with anyone in any lifetime. Somewhere in this deserted darkness a piece of me still waits for the real you. The real you who promised me so many things in life.

Heck, what did I even ask you in life? I asked you LOVE. I asked you to understand me.

Yes you say you love me even now. You get super annoyed and frustrated telling me how many times you have to prove to me your love. When did I ask you to prove your love? Love is never proven. Its visible.

Apne tootey huwey

Khwabon ko

Sambhalun kaise

Khud ko duniya

Ki nigaho se

Chupalo kaise

Apne haaton se diya

Dil ka bhujalu kaise?….

So much of life is yet to unfold. On this shaky bridge, uncertain roads and blazing winds, I dont know where life is leading me.

28 years of my life. 0 accomplishments to hold on to. If I get abandoned, I have nothing to fall on. Nothing I do means anything to you. Apparently its my duty. My role. Apparently, I am always taking away your happiness, your wealth.

I have broken the boundaries of my conscience to gain your happiness and love and approval. I have fallen in my own eyes.

Completely messed up.

When from the outside life is so perfect. My kids are beginning school. A bright future for them. We are at a pretty home. I run the kitchen in peace. I wake up in peace.

Mein tera naam batau kisko

Yeh haal sunao kisko

Khamoshi….

Kaisi hai meri yeh khamoshi….

For a long time I forgot to cry. But once again that shelf of mine has been opened. That pandora. That river. That ocean.

My looks, my education, my joblessness, my inner hollow, my sorrow, my loss of love…everything. everything once again is damaged. Smashed. My confidence.

I am bound by these weird chains that I watch everyone walk through with ease. How come I am the only one bound by them? How am I the only one who can’t seem to break through these chains.

I blow a thousand times before I walk. I think and rethink my words. No matter who has hurt me so much I never give a comeback that would shatter them. Then how can others be so brazen.

Words hurt. Dammit. Words hurt. They hurt a lot. They hurt so much. They shred through my heart they scrape my soul. I held on to your words always always always. Now you have crushed me with your words.

It is still okay. I shall still walk. With you. If it is anyone between us, it will be You who will let go. Never me. Never me. You can ruin me. All you want. Speak more. Hurt me more. You couldn’t love me strongly. Let me see every side of you. Unfold yourself. Show me every side of you. You changed me. Then now you ask me to be who I was before. Really?

Who am I?

I connect a lot with the bird Phoenix. I fall into ashes. And then mystically rise up again.

So again. I pick up my pieces tonight. I make myself sleep tonight. Then I shall wake up. And walk through life…

I dont know how to crush this thing called Hope from my life. Please do it for me. Crush Hope from life. It will make it easier for me to walk with you. Crush my hope. So it will make it easy for me to not be hurt when you shrink your hand away from mine, when you turn your head away when I kiss you, when you ask me to silence when I want to talk to you, when you blame me, when you blame my presence, my existence.

God forbade suicide. He also did not give multiple lives.

I would kill myself each time you hurt me. Then be reborn to be with you each of my lives.

If only you knew how much my heart yearns for the warmth of your hugs. You hug me even now. Neither your heart beats along with mine, nor your aura embraces me. In your lifeless hugs, I search for the man whom I gave my all…….

Much Awaited…

I have been waiting to read this book since 2013. That is like 5 whole years!

A combination of self made-excuses, lack of budget and my own procrastination kept me away. Every time I picked up this big book, I would crave to read it with all my heart, but then I would put it back on the shelves of the bookstore. The bookshop had a lovely name, Crossword. I really loved the store. But the books were always out of my budget.

Fate and prayers bought me here, to a land that has offered me a free pass at my book heaven, the public Library.

So here I am, completely transported to a whole new level of reading. “INFERNO” by Dan Brown.

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This thick 600 something paged book captured the reality, a horrific yet real picture of the world.

A little review; Robert Langdon, an Arts Professor at an American University is being chased along with a young intellectual doctor in a hunt for a bio hazard that a mad scientist has created to destroy the world. A real thriller that puts the reader in for a ride wondering who is on the right path and if the world famous Langdon has really done a major theft. The book runs intricately through world Art history, majorly focusing on the commendable works of Dante Alighieri.

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Dante Alighieri

What hit me from the book:

It took me a whole week to completely read the book. This wasn’t a book to skim. I checked out each mentioned historic site and its importance on the web. Exquisitely described, the city of Florence and Turkey has landed on my places to visit list. Someday.

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City of Florence
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City of Venice

The levels of hell as expressed by Dante sparked my interest to a great deal. Being a Muslim, I have read about the horrors of hell. But nothing prepared me for the horrendous visual trip as is the painting by Botticelli for the Divine Comedy, a description of the levels of hell mapped by Dante. The concept of passing through the levels of punishment, meeting Satan himself, walking out reverse to the purgatory and finally to paradise. It was a real treat to the eyes. It also made me wonder, how deep must have the two geniuses thought on the topic, read scriptures and books and conjured up the most horrific depiction of Hell I have ever seen. Langdon finds this map of hell in a projection canister he takes along with him, trying to unravel the mystery.

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Map of Hell by Botticelli
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La Mappa Dell’Inferno

Hunting for clues, Dan Brown has painted a visual tour of the city of Venice, Florence and Istanbul as Langdon races to unravel the mystery.

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Hagia Sophia (Istanbul, Turkey)
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Hagia Sophia (Interior)

Standing from a distance, the book revolves around the core issue of the world, the rising population and the consequences of it. A threatening reference to the Black Plague that terrified the world centuries ago, Bertrand Zobrist creates a mystifying virus that threatens the population. All the top officials along with a powerful shady organisation join hands to close in on the virus, only to find out that it has been released into the atmosphere and has embedded itself into the genes of the world population. Zobrist’s assistant who is the only one who knows everything about the secret, herself hides her identity so well, that I did not have the slightest clue. When her cover blew, I was like Whoaaaa!!! Dr Sienna Brooks, eventually realises the gravity of the issue, tells in the whole story and brings out the truth. The virus was meant to cause planet-wide selective infertility that would narrow down the population without any harm as in the Plague.

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The Four Bronze Horses of St. Mark

This raised the question of how wrong is wrong. How immoral is being immoral. Who decides that. According to Zobrist, he did a service to humanity by creating the virus that would narrow down the population and allow the living ones to a better life of technological advancement and comforts of life. According to the WHO and every other scientist and humanitarian thinker, a human does not have the right to control the fertility and choice of reproduction on behalf of another human, let alone the planet. That is morally and ethically wrong to meddle with the genes of others no matter what the justifications. Zobrist however argued with his logic that over population would lead to the collective death of people.

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Death Mask of Dante
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Plague Doctor Mask

This is a very intriguing and debatable topic. I believe that none should meddle with the way of nature. The end is definite. Till then, maybe we should focus on making the most of our lives and the ones we love. Maybe we should stop being judgmental. Maybe we should focus more on forgiving than in breaking apart. Maybe we should spread more love and think less of reasons to hate. Maybe we should be happy with what we have than to let the deadly sins overtake us for want of more.

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The Cistern where the Bio Hazard Virus was immersed.

Why this book fit my interest? I lust after intelligence. Reading a book filled with an insightful viewpoint, etched in enlightening knowledge, painting history better than school books, throwing a fresh limelight on writers, painters and philosophers, completely blow me away.

For me, an intelligent book is like the eagle that flies higher than the rumbling clouds. A clear sighted map that guides the reader, makes a difference, leaves a mark.

Inferno did that to me. I am a person of depth. I like to think about different things. About concepts, about solutions to problems.

I am here 2:00 am in my room, unable to sleep, unable to shoo away my laptop for the night. I have a fire in me. The fire that is making me type away with fury. There is more to this world than just eating and running chores. No, there is more to it.

There was a fresh breeze that flew through me each time I turned the pages of Inferno. When I finished reading the book, the world looked different. Every human looked different. It made me powerful. It made me think that a little person like me could make a huge impact in the lives around me. I could change a lot in the world if I wanted to. It takes a good and right education, self power and confidence, an enlightened mind to drive a person to make a change.

Maybe…someday..I might write out my thoughts to the world….

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My most favourite lines from the book.

The Woman in Cabin 10

I picked this book off the shelf of the library instantly. The cover art and the title drew me to it.

After an informative and educative read of Inferno by Dan Brown, this was an easy to read book.

I took it with me to the park with the kids to read.

It took me around 2 days to complete it.

The words lead easily from one page to another. A somewhat simple beginning to a heart throbbing discovery at the end.

Brilliant book.

The plot begins with a slightly alcoholic Lo Blacklock who is a journalist. She gets a break to cover a press trip on the maiden voyage of the ship Auriela Boriealis. The ship being named after the Northern Lights.

Prior to the trip, there is a break-in at Lo’s house that leaves her shaken and disturbed. As such she is a victim of depression and is on medication.

She somehow gathers courage and with encouragement and a little rife with her beau she heads on to the journey.

The ship is a rather small cruise ship with 10 cabins each named after Scandinavian Nobel Prize winners.

Being on number 9 cabin, Lo borrows a mascara from her neighbour cabin-mate for the first dinner night.

When they retire for the night, insomnia, seasickness, anxiety attacks and her spinning head wake Lo in the middle of the night. When she hears a huge splash.

As she rushes to see from her veranda, she sees a body of a woman falling into the water, then she sees a smear of blood across the window pane of Cabin 10. She fears for the woman and instantly raises panic.

But strangely, the head of the ship staff confirms to her that it is her imagination as there is actually no blood smear and also nobody was staying in cabin 10 at all.

Lo doesn’t give up easily and she keeps trying to find the truth. She also raises a lot of alarm. She has her ex-beau on the cruise too. He tries to help her but inadvertenty appears to be the killer of the missing girl according to Lo.

The story goes on smoothly, beautifully worded that gives the real feel of claustrobhia. There are some shocking disclaimer emails in the middle that her beau raises on the shoreside that Lo hasn’t contacted anybody after she boarded the ship. It is almost like she is missing. Then the Norwegian authorities receive the body of a woman.

Suddenly all evidences that the woman existed in cabin 10 are erased or destroyed. The whole thing makes Lo look like she has been hallicinating. And then she gets kidnapped. All hell in the story then breaks loose.

Apparently the owner of the ship, Richard Bullmer has a wife afflicted with cancer. She being of aristocratic wealth and he just a common man who struck lucky marrying right. Until she turned out to be a snob who did not like him and kept herself home.

So Richard becomes lucky again finding a woman who looks almost similar to his wife, Anne. And so the game between them began.

The real Anne would stay in her Norway home out of public view. So Richard would walk around his important meetings and visit with his look-alike Anne. With the right touch ups of makeup no one could tell.

Until Lo gets kidnapped.

Then the girl turns up and after a long session of negotiation spills out the horrendous accidental death of the real Anne, and she was ordered by Richard to throw her across the ship on that fateful night. The incident was scarring for the girl and she ended up trusting Lo and saving her, setting her free. Lo runs out while missing danger by inches at her heel. She finally reaches her home in London. Shockingly there is a fight on board the ship in the end in which Richard is shot dead and overthrown the ship.

A lovely smooth book. Perfect words and immaculate description of feelings and surroundings. I enjoyed this one too!

Canada Day!!!

Oh Canada! Glorious Canada! A very beautiful country indeed!

We headed out to the beach. My whole intention was to check out the fireworks. I have always seen them on pictures on Instagram. I mean, I have seen live fireworks on the Al Khobar corniche for the Saudi National Day celebrations. But I hadn’t been to Canada before and really wanted to see the grandeur on this side of the Earth.

I love fireworks. They take my heart out of my chest and leave me just dumbfounded. In other words, absolutely Gobsmacked.

So here below are the pictures I captured on my Samsung J7 Core on the 1st of July.

 

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Aren’t we all like firecrackers? We burst with a luminating aura from within, we brim up and explode with smiles from our heart, leaving people awestruck! I don’t know about everyone, but I used to be a firecracker. I used to just jump with joy. Very often. Because there were a lot of things that excited me frequently. The best part was that my family and siblings and specially my mom and dad really loved and encouraged my outbursts of joy. 

As life moved on, I was told such behavior resembles childlike joy and that adults don’t excite that high. That I was being “childish”. Repetitive mentions of this dimmed me out…like the fully burst remains of the firecracker…falling from the sky. That’s where I find myself now. Falling. I have to get up. Rise up. And be the firecracker once again. This time, my aura shall explode, not my laughter, not my joy….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost in the pages…

Time flies. In my case, it is really rapid. I am hardly finding time to do all the things. Maybe I need to step back and look again at my day.

I’ve been gone from my blog for a while. Reason? Cooking, PARENTING TWO KIDS ON A TWO MONTH VACATION, reading a REALLY thick novel, and binge watching Pakistani Dramas…oh and yes Wifery.

We’ve been making a couple of trips to the Woobine Beach here in Toronto. Lovely place.

I have a lot of posts and emotions to outpour!

Review: James Patterson- Count to Ten

Have you ever had your mind completely fuzzed? To the point where you are physically lounging and appearing chilled to the world. But in your mind there is a race, a heart pumping with excitement, a movie thrilling up your spine, a chilling wait as you turn pages with eager anticipation, dread pacing up as the story crawls ahead.

Yes. That is exactly how it has been for me reading this. Hats off to James Patterson and Ashwin Sanghi for this nerve wrecking smashing novel.

It blew my mind. Totally. I held on to each word, each line, each page dripping with anticipation. Fate was on my side, my kids din’t bother me as I binge read the novel from 5 pm to 9 pm straight.

What a wonderful I got transported to.

Perfectly worded and amply thrill-based.

The writers have picked up on the core disturbing issues based in New Delhi, India. A country that is always linked with Political gimicks, pharmaceutical and medical advancements stained with dirty practises, an organ market, pedophelia, money ruling corruption, media dominance, revenge and murder.

Perfectly placed emotions tugging at the very heart of the reader. At one moment I hated the killer, his gruesomeness in his technique. At another sympathy arose, after all something drives criminals. Hatred for the wealthy power shuffling top notch officials, loathing for the media hungry for gossip rather than peace. A total blend of upheavel of emotions.

A Private firm is recruited by the Cheif Minister of state to look into the discovery of a number of bodies being decomposed in the basement of an abandoned Government owned estate. The police is ordered by the Leiutenant General of the oppostion to look into the matter and make it a private finding.

The Private firm headed by four strong characters, two of them plagued by their own troubles, delves deep into this dangerous matter discovering names of a to-be Home minister, CEO of a top pharma and medical company based in America, Head Doctor of Delhi memorial Hospital, a street smart medical-college drop out and two other important characters. One by one, they are being killed. In a gruesome manner. Each time one organ missing. At first it looked like a clear case of organ trafficking and body burials. It looked like a Government funded propoganda and dirty money making politics.

Along with locating strong evidences, the Police Commissioner handling this case, leaks important information one by one to a TV channel Host, to gain popularity and to also direction the case to his benefit.

Putting their lives on risk, the Private team discover that it is much more sinister. It is not a team work. It is just a single individual. And the individual is just seeking revenge. Revenge to destroy the human organ trafficking team. To wipe them off the way the justice system should have done it. He was just cleaning vermins on the earth. With his own bare hands.

Everytime the the police and tbe private team suspected a character, he was dead in minutes. Soon the teams realise that the killer can be caught using joint forces. While the two government officers were just playing around with cold water, they had absolutely no idea what horrors were operating under their very noses.

The joint forces of the Police and the Private Team, while trying to protect the last perpetrator of human crimes, they discover the killer being the TV host. To whom the Police head was feeding the names of the next victims accidentally. With a history of unfortunate killings at his hands and fate on his side for never being discovered, Ajay Guha the TV host explicitely conducted the killings of each person responsible for the horrific industry of organ trade.

I slept in peace last night. Knowing the right wins and the bad loses. Always.

This book delicately avoided delving into unwanted romances and throwing the novel into a third triangle of emotions.

A brisk, fast paced book, the pages kept turning on their on.

I have thoroughly enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone yearning for a thrill.

I could never guess who the mastermind was. Every guess I made was almost correct, only to be proven wrong at each turn of events. Very heart racing.

I love it…..