Pouring Rain

Things have looked brighter than my previous post. Such is love. It kills you once and you think that you are done with everything. Then one smile, one hug and one heartfelt embrace, then all the angst melts away. Like new…everything rebirths itself.

Toronto had one windy rainy Monday. I was taken by surprise, utterly overwhelmed. I wasn’t wearing too much warm clothes and the rain hit my face through my children’s umbrella. I ran across the store and got a huge lovely one for me.

Man must never expect anything from man. Man must only expect from God and that too in full faith. Simple to say. Simple to believe. Hard to execute.

I caught a cold, a headache and a lousy itchy throat.

Feeling a lot better today, hence out and about in the library.

I was hell bent on getting a part time job last week. Everything was out fine till Saturday morning when my partner asked me to give myself some more time before I plunged into the workforce. I know I have lots of hours between my kids schooling. It broke my heart for the thought to not work again and wait for I don’t know how long. But I am glad I waited and listened to him. I fell ill this week. That would have been fatal on the job first week.

I have hence come up with a new idea. I shall teach people English. There are many I see here struggling for the same. I shall do my best flex my schedule.

I hope to do a lot of things:

  1. Buy a new laptop
  2. Buy a cellphone for myself
  3. Redo my wardrobe and kids too
  4. Get a Canadian Degree
  5. Buy a car.

Till here. I want to reach till here minimum. One day I hope to run an empire. I dream of running an organisation. Make a change in people’s lives.

Or maybe I am being too fancy….

Advertisements

So long…

Its been so long. Once again. Do I lack consistency? Maybe, maybe no.

Have you ever fallen. Into a deep abyss. Such that you feel you are climbing out. But as soon as you look up to see how much more to go. Then you gawk at how much more to go on. Then you slip. Then you fall back down there.

Kya shay hai ujadna

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Hum royenge ithna

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Behjayega chehra

Hamein maloom nahi tha….

I got stuck on repeat to this song.

As I sit here at 12:05 am in the night, I just retrospect on myself. I have drifted away. From who I used to be.

There has been an emptiness within me since childhood.

Waise toh nazar atey hai

Sabh apne hai lekin

Koi nahi hai apna

Hamein maloom nahi tha….

Auron ke liye

Hum basatey rahey duniya

Khojayega ka rasta

Padjayega marna

Khojayega saaya

Hamein maloom nahi tha

Hum royenge ithna

Hamein maloom nahi tha…

Apne tootey huwey

Khwabon ko

Sambhalun kaise

Khud ko duniya

Ki nigaho se

Chupalo kaise

Apne haaton se diya

Dil ka bhujalu kaise?….

Lost in the pages…

Time flies. In my case, it is really rapid. I am hardly finding time to do all the things. Maybe I need to step back and look again at my day.

I’ve been gone from my blog for a while. Reason? Cooking, PARENTING TWO KIDS ON A TWO MONTH VACATION, reading a REALLY thick novel, and binge watching Pakistani Dramas…oh and yes Wifery.

We’ve been making a couple of trips to the Woobine Beach here in Toronto. Lovely place.

I have a lot of posts and emotions to outpour!

Nibah… a closure…

Its raining outside gently….a romantic song in the backdrop….perfect setting for a new blog post…

As I had mentioned earlier, there is a tiny little hobby I developed. Binge-watching Pakistani dramas. Not all of them. Some of them.

The one that caught my whole attention and I couldn’t wait every Friday for the new episode to be telecast-ed.

The show named being Nibah.

Beautiful story, elegantly enacted, outstanding performance of all of the characters, eloquently worded with the right amount poetic verses. Most of all, the exemplary ability to raise emotions of anger, happiness and sadness for the characters in the story.

It annoyed me to be disturbed while watching the episodes.

nibah_284

Although this TV series has nothing in common with my life, it is something amazing.

The story begins with a lovely family of five. A middle-aged couple with two teenage children and a little girl. Their lavish happy lifestyle is struck down with an unfortunate attack of cancer to the centre of the family- the mother Saiqa (Played by Savera Nadeem).

savera_nadeem_384

Absolutely elegant character of a mother who showed the importance of bonding the family together.

Upon her death her devastated husband, Shaheer ( Played by Asif Raza Mir) is advised by his dear friend to find a way to open up for a new woman in his life for himself and his children who badly need a mother.

On the other side, Sofia ( Played by Amina Sheikh) is a soft spoken, practical, humble person with an ocean of patience.

As the story goes, she is engaged to her cousin Majid ( played by Amir Qureshi), who only got engaged (Written Nikah) to her so that his mother lets him settle in Dubai. Three years down the lane, there is no interest shown by him to marry Sofia. This disturbs her greatly. Her mother and sister are blinded by her fears and the something-is-not-right feeling that is engulfing her. Suddenly the mother-in-law announces a marriage date. On the day of the Mehendi/Mayo (pre-bridal shower), the mother-in-law turns up this time with a brown envelope containing the awful news of separation as he has already married someone he loves in Dubai.

This breaks apart the world for Sofia, a teacher in a middle class family. She wipes her tears and gets back to work the next day itself, only to be barraged with the constant gossip, insult and condescending words of her colleague and the Principal herself. A top class teacher in the Defense School, she pales to her compatriots due to the events in her private life.

0

Sofia’s sister was to be married the son of her aunt. They are utterly dismayed at the event of Sofia’s divorce. So much so that, the aunt buys a Rishta (proposal) for Sofia so that as soon as Sofia is married, she can bring in her daughter-in-law.

The proposal is of Shaheer. A widower, with three children. A heartless mother, just to save her reputation and to hurry away with her responsibilities of marrying the daughters, overrides her husband’s decision, her daughter’s refusal and forces Sofia to marry Shaheer.

A somewhat rude beginning to their life, Shaheer feeling shy and confused on how to deal with this new event in his life, Sofia beginning to adjust to the utter rudeness of the elder kids as well as basking in the love of the little daughter Fenny. The two older children Mubashir and Saira, hate the fact that their father is coming closer towards their new mother. Although they realise she isn’t wicked it hurt them to see someone in their mother’s place. Although Sofia makes it very clear from the beginning that she hasn’t come to take anyone’s place or snatch anything from anyone. She just wants to join a broken family and try to make it whole again.

The one person who cannot stand all of this is Mubashir. This is because, Ms Sofia, as he calls her, is also his Class teacher. As he is into smoking and slowly slips into drugs intake along with his evil friend Fahad, his enemity soars too high. He becomes the character that brings the entire twist to the story.

hqdefault (1)

Apparently Majid (Sofia’s ex) is destroyed as his wife in Dubai leaves him, taking away everything he owns. He comes back to Pakistan hoping to patch up with Sofia. This advantage is taken by Mubashir who throw Majid into the middle of Sofia and Shaheers’ newly emerging love. The new marriage gets rocked by doubts of infidelity propounding by Mubashir blaming Sofia for everything in the house infront of their dad. Majid also picks up speed convincing Sofia’s mother to break Sofia’s marriage so he could patch up with her.

x1080-Aec

The story then stalled a few episodes just gaining doubts on Sofia and her resilience and silence over the accusations against her. Her aunt who married her son to Sofia’s sister takes money from Majid’s mother to patch the two up for a marriage. In a fit of anger after seeing complete betrayal shown to her by her husband, sister, mother, Majid, and eventually her much loved father, she signs up for divorce with her husband Shaheer. It is then when Shaheer realises that he loves Sofia but is finding it hard to trust her after finding her with Majid in cafes and stores. He believes what meets his eyes, and he trusts his children more than Sofia. Between these lines, Saira, the daughter realises what they have done, regrets her decision to support her brother in spoiling the reputation of Sofia, after she is save by her during an assault by Fahad.

 

After a series of conversations with Shaheer, who requests her to apologise, she decides its time to go home. In the end, the spoilt brat Fahad is faced with mouth cancer due to drugs. Upon seeing that, teenage Mubashir freaks out and confesses everything to his father of the innocence of Sofia. Shaheer too himself retrospects what a sorry husband he has been to Sofia who asked nothing of him but trust and companionship.

pIZxL

Much to the chagrin of Majid and Sofia’s mother, the family unites on a happy note.

 

 

 

Passing the time in pixels.

I saw my little sister doing this. It intrigued me to no ends. I did not get the time till this week to actually download the app.

Introducing colouring by pixel. So what we do is we are given a picture, we zoom in on it, and the picture is pixelised to alphabet and numbers that correspond to the colour palette required for the photo.

And we colour accordingly.

Helped me pass my time. Gave me the satisfaction of putting things in proper place ( a slight sense of ocd). Calmed me down among the chaos my kids and husband create. My thoughts somehow stop running in my head and all I am doing is digitally colouring.

I shall find an adult colouring book and grab some markers and begin colouring. I love that peace it gives.

Just among these lines, once upon a time I was a budding artist. I loved colour pencils and and I used to sit down and draw and colour lots and lots of pictures. I received a lot of appreciation for that at school. But my parents thought colouring was a childish hobby for a teenager and they often ridiculed me for it. And then my sister started doing the same and somehow I let go of colouring amd drawing. At one point I told her I let it so that she could excel in it. And man, has she excelled! My sister is an artist with a Pro level. She is this really amazing talented artist eho works both physical art and digital art. I hope someday she becomes famous for her work. It broke me to see she couldn’t pursue it as a career but she hasn’t backed down.

So I let go of it all. Once in a while, the artist in my yearns to do drawing and colouring once again. Maybe I might begin soon. I must.

Product Review..shampoo..

Its the worst. Ever.

I am not one who complains about products because they are of two types. One that make a genuine difference and one that are normal and not much of an effect is found using them.

But this. It has to be written down. I would never recommend anyone on this planet to use this item. Ever. I don’t even know why anyone would buy it. No wonder it was in full stock when I bought it.

This is what I bought. The Sunsilk stunning black shine shampoo from India, Dmart.

The thing is I used Sunsilk Hairfall shampoo. But that wasn’t available in the store. As my dad had earlier gifted me this very shampoo from the Saudi Arabia, I thought okay well this will also do.

But it did not.

It smells horrid. When mixed with water it looks like dirt from black jeans after a forest trek. It is very oily. It doesn’t wash my hair properly.

It put my hairfall back in full swing.

Yuck.

No matter how much water I run through my hair, it still feels icky.

Ugh.

I have never ever cribbed about anything so much in my life as this one shampoo.

I can’t wait for it to finish so I can get my fav one.

Wading…

When I took this picture of me, I was blank. I had no emotions. I was just looking at the cold waters.

I was unable to wade into them. Normally I would thow away my shoes and run into it. Cold or not. But this time I did not. Why? I don’t know.

Or maybe I do.

When your heart is not at rest nothing makes you feel elated. Until the thing bothering you dies away or gets fixed.

But you know what, right now its 12 in the night. And right now I want to sit by the seaside. If I had a car maybe I would put the kids to sleep beside my husband and drive to the shore. I may not wade into the midnight waters. But I would sit there on the shore in silence. Listening to the wave hit the shore one after the other. It gives an odd peace. A lot like mom patting my back putting my heart soul and body to sleep.

Mom.

I miss her.

Dad.

I miss him too.

I do not speak often to them. It hurts me. I miss them loads.

As a parent myself, I am slowly able to get each of their emotions, their thoughts, their feelings.

I like to drive. I hope to get a licence and my own car by the end of this year. Or maybe by mid next year.

I want to do a lot of things. But my surroundings drain my soul. They drain my strength. They drain my motivation. Within these four walls of my house, my tired body and demotivated soul, I am getting nowhere.

When we fall into a cycle, it is hard to get out. I need that break. I wonder where I will find the break. The break out of this cycle.

I want to have a peaceful ride into the night. Speed out into the open with my windows rolled down and breathe.

Why am I the only one taking everything seriously. Why am I the only one so concerned about everything. Why can’t I just chill and let everyone do whatever the hell they want.

I have to chill. I have to develop this calm. I have to develop a happening life where I am doing something I am proud of or something I always wanted to.

Tomorrow I shall go to the library. No matter how tiny and stuffy it is. Maybe I found it that way because I am comparing it with another one in the other part of this city.

Let me bring home stuff that shall engross me till the time to find a job or study or something comes up.

An empty mind is not just a devil’s workshop. It is the powerhouse of worries and a nuclear bomb, lava erupting mountain, tsunami waves all combined of madness, demotivation, depression and every negative thing that is slowing me down and drowning my peace.

I have to walk ahead. I must. Before I get too tired.