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Category Archives: Pouring It Out…

I write again.

I have been away for a while. Enjoying my sunshine to its fullest.

God answers prayers.

I started taking math tutions  for an 8th grader. This can also be read as my coffers getting filled once more! Well, no actually, I did this to kill time and make the most of it. Math sums have run my dusty cogwheels again. After a long time.

I am also teaching my bro-inlaw Accountancy subjects.

Amidst this, I enjoyed the love being showered on me by my better half.

Like nature, after the day, the sun sets. The darkness comes out.

And like summer gives into rain, my good days faded a bit and now the rain has begin to pitter patter.

I find myself very weak at this point of life. Physically. My legs hurt. A lot. Not just hurt, its such a dainty word. My legs PAIN. Around my knees especially.

My FIL constantly belittles my parenting. It goes to my head and demotivates me beyond words. I am trying to raise strong kids. I don’t want them to grow up as tantrum throwers and cry babies, craving attention. And in the midst of this, both my kids are 3-4 aged and they EAT my head. I have so much pent up frustration, that I eventually yell at them. I am trying very hard to handle all the aspects of my life. Pulling together cooking, household duties, washing, cleaning, ass wiping as soon as I wake up, everything, along with a little bit of teaching, and somebody tells me on my face that I am doing parenting level -1.

I am trying very hard. I am among people, who when I am given a choice I would abandon at first notice. The amount of negativity drags me into the mud daily, that I let my tears run in the shower. I am holding myself with a piece of thread. Hope. Just Hope. That things will be alright. Giving time, some time.

The first showers of the year began on Wednesday. The literal rain. The sound of the droplets excited the child in me. But that died sooner than I wanted it too. The adult-ness of life, quietened me. I just watched my white candle melt away.

A distant cousin of mine won an award for poetry. I am happy for him. But deep down, a voice in me sighed deeply. I was a poet too. I thought I buried the poet in me. I buried Rose. Or so I thought. She yelled from within, yesterday. Under the sky with the fading sun. Rose woke up within me. (Nope I don’t have MPD, Rose is my poetic nickname). Why did I stop writing poetry? I don’t really know. But when I did stop, everyone else was writing. I have always wandered towards paths not taken. Well, I have now fallen in a pit. There is a way out that is visible to me, but it has a rope that I have to climb. A rope that I have been trying to climb since October 2015. God knows I tried my best. I keep slipping halfway through. God help me out.

Another thing that beats the brains out of me is my dysfunctional mobile phone. In this such a modern day and age, I am stuck with two hopeless mobile phones. Lava A79 and an even useless Nokia XL.

My Lava A79 is struck with a virus that attacks my phone as soon as I turn on an internet connection. I lost contacts, messages, and so many things in trying to wipe format and reboot the phone. And just as the bright screen gets on, I am hit with the virus again. And yeah, my daughter decided one day to pull out the charger cable while my phone was charging. The inner pins of the phone got slightly twisted. Charging that phone now is pure torture.

Nokia XL? Its Nokia. Incomplete version of an Android. The phone fell last year, so there’s spiderweb cracks on my screen held together by cellotape. Battery drains as fast as it charges. The browser dies on me often.

I also lost my 8GB memory card.

I can continue writing so many paragraphs on things going wrong with me right now. I spend the whole of yesterday crying at the same time hiding my tears from my loved ones. Hard things can’t be ignored for long. My human heart shrieks out from time to time.

Nothing is in my hands. Everything is going by flow.

My tuition kid flunked her math exam. Because her basics are poor. And we dint have more than a week to prepare for the exam. Failures in life punch me in my belly.

I haven’t. But I have failed as a mom, failed as a daughter, failed as a teacher, failed my health. I am masking myself infront of my parents. I can’t tell them my problems simply because they can’t solve it. Instead they would just worry. I don’t want to put the bag of worries on anyone’s shoulders. But I am also getting tired of fighting this battle like a lone brave soldier. I am not brave. I am just a broken person held together by hope in God and love from my hubby.

I have  got to stop myself from withering away into emptiness. Time is dragging.

 
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Posted by on March 17, 2017 in Pouring It Out...

 

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Tangled.

For a few days lately, my soul feels jailed inside my body. I cannot express this with anyone.

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I have created such strong walls around me, and I have enclosed myself completely. The only One who knows everything is God Almighty. I don’t really know how, but step by step this concrete wall has grown very strong and very high.

I am feeling all this, because I was chasing a dream. I still am. I did all the work I could. Now it’s upto God. To fulfill the remaining half of it. I have been praying a year for it. Nothing has budged since then. My hopes are beginning to crumble. I am desperate. I cannot give up. I don’t want to give up. It is all I want right now. Since a year actually.

I am looking for one sign, one silver lining, one, just one thing that will tell me that it is going to work out. I dislike being kept in the dark. I hate darkness. I stumble till I find light.

Like I said, I fell in a pit long ago. I have to find a way out. It is so hard. Mostly, because I am counting completely on God to help me.  What my belief is, I did some things by my own judgement. I trapped myself in doing so. My rationale told me to rely on God. Because God never makes mistakes. So that’s what I did. That is what I am doing. I just have to have patience.

Patience.

I have always had a lot patience. Heck, I lost a lot of things in my life because I decided to be patient and keep mum. Now I wish I had done something back then. This has totally messed up the concept of patience within me.

Usually I always have answers. God has always always answered my questions. My faith is unwavering. It is just this thing. That I want. That is not happening. And I need to know when and why.

I cannot explain, but there is this feeling of being like an uncomfortably stretched rubber band. It is going to snap. Horribly. And it is going to hurt. Terribly. But I want answers. Or things to happen.

Waiting is horrible.

I really need help. To get out of this gum. I am trying so hard, looking so deep. I cannot find the break I am looking for. I have literally no one who can do a thing about this except God.

 

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2017 in Pouring It Out...

 

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Tunes of destruction….

I avoid listening to songs.

Since my childhood, my father has insisted on keeping us away from music and films, read bollywood. He gave religious reasons for this. Naturally, teenage is an exploratory age. I ventured on the other side. I listened to songs on my friends mp3 players and walkmans. Sara, Sumaiya, Safia and Shabnam, they must have hated me. I always took away their gadgets to hear songs whenever they brought them to school. Later I realised I should have my own. Saved up my pocket money and got a Geepas silver Walkman. Got my own headphones. I was even bold enough to tell my dad that I was listening to hip hop songs.
First I hit the english songs. They didn’t mean much to me. Just good tunes that help speed up my car while racing on the pc. They also helped the summer mornings. Radio 101.2 FM Bahrain. I even wrote a poem for the DJ !!!!!

Somehow, I crossed the threshold and fell on the other side. The side of the Hindi songs….. hindi songs built my world, and then, just like that, destroyed it.

I was a book reader. I still am. I love mysteries and thriller novels always caressed my heart. And somehow, when I couldn’t get my hands on them, I came across Romance novels. I shouldn’t have.

Romantic novels and hindi songs are a very deadly combination for a poet and wanderer like me.

See I am not a single layered person. I am A freaking deep ocean, that has layers and layers of depth. My soul is a jungle. So much of it is unexplored. I find a new side of me each day. And I don’t know if it has something to do with my gender or genes or I really don’t know what, but I yearn to be understood. All of my layers, I want to be understood.

Beech bhawar mein daale na
Aar rahi na paar gayi
Kuch ishq ki mauje le doobi
Kuch hijr ki andhi mar gayi

Tum jaane nahi ye dard mera
Ya jaan ke bhi anjaane ho
Tum jaane nahi ye dard mera
Ya jaan ke bhi anjaane ho

Ik pal yeh lage apne ho tum
Ik pal yeh lage begane ho

Everyone I knew was in love. I wasn’t. So I just stuck to songs. Sad songs. Of loneliness and betrayal. All my friends spread across the globe. They had a hand ahead in life. Somehow, I felt left behind. Way behind. There was not much I could do. I used to escape in the virtual world. Of poetry, racing and novels…and songs.

 

It took the voice of Adnan Sami, KK and Atif Aslam, to create that imaginary world in my head.

Meri neendo ki…khwabon ki…hai kasam…tu aaja…

And all of the Emraan Hashmi songs.

I despise them now. Because it is a lie. These are just fancy words of a lyricist, sung by someone with a gifted voice, musicians and better looking actor and actress. They don’t mean a freaking thing. It was all in my head. And it all shattered.

Woh lamhein…woh baatein

Koi na jaaney

ki kaisi raatein

ohh barsaatein

woh bheegi bheegi yaadein

You know, this is what I used to do. I had songs playing on my laptop or my walkman, I would be doing Accountancy balance sheet and stuff. And then some lines would tug at the threads of my heart. I would pen them down in a corner.

That stage of my life. I wish I could go back. And undo it. That stage of my life dug deep into my soul. Left a lot of places empty. Wandering hearts make great poetry. I wrote. A lot. I penned a lot of poems. To me they were filled with feelings.

Do pal rukaa..khwabon ka karwa…

Aur phir chal diye..tum kaha hum kahan…

I am trying to reminiscence now. It is disturbing me. I am unable to fight my emotions. I lost my internal war. Reality hits a person so hard. It hit me. Really very hard.

One fine day it all fell apart. Me. My dreams. My romantic thoughts. My ideas of ideal-ness.

Har khataaa…. ki hoti hai..

koi na koi saza..

ghum likhey ho khismat mei…

to bann hi jaati wajah…. 

I watched as everything shattered around me. Then I took a deep breath. Picked up and fought for what I wanted. Tried to fix everything back to how it was.

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A mirror reflects clarity. When it breaks. You can try to fix it. But it is going to have its cracks. In my words : Mei tootey cheezon ko phekney ki qayil nahi hu. I fix things and continue.

But do you know? Things look much clearer now. Much clearer than when things were all well. I learnt. I fail at times. But I finally learnt to put my mind before my heart.

One fine night, amidst thunder and rain and darkness, amidst candle light and loneliness, I buried. I buried a part of me. I crushed that thirsty, wandering part of my soul beneath my feet. I crushed it with my knees. I let the light die. I watched it die. God knows my eyes swelled like balloons that night. But it was all worth it.

I am married in a house where songs are played often. Each tune that I used to hear in the past held different memories. Some of love, some of nostalgia and some of hate. When the new songs get played, they don’t mess with my heart anymore. A big high five to my brain for killing that part of my heart that used to do that, that used to mush me up. Even if the tune is way more romantic, loving or endearing. Nothing can mess with my heart.

Except. The old songs. Like today. I came down from the terrace and walked into my house, a food plate in my hand for feeding the kids. There was a song running on the tv.

hai kyu tadapp ..yeh kaisi saza

tu kyu mujhey aaj yaad agayaa.

teraaaaa…meraaa rishtaa…puranaaaa…

This song brought back all that. That flashback. It hits me everytime an old song comes along…Don’t mistake me for being hard hearted. I am not hard hearted. It is just that I have begun to take things at face value. No need to delve deep. No need to accelerate things. No need to mess.

I fell from each mountain that I climbed. But I got right back up and climbed another again. All thanks to God. I left behind the world of songs. Long Ago…A very long Ago….

Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Sataao
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Rulaao

Dil Badal Bane Aankhein Behne Lagi
Aahein Aise Uthein Jaise Aandhi Chalein
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Sataao
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Rulaao

Gum Le Ja Tere, Jo Bhi Tune Diye
Ya Phir Mujhko Bata, Inko Kaise Sahein
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Sataao
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Rulaao

Abb To Iss Manjar Se, Mujhko Chale Jana Hai
Jin Raahon Pe Mera Yaar Hai
Unn Raahon Ko Mujhse Paana Hai
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Sataao
Toh Phir Aao Mujhko Rulaao

No. Never again. Learnt my lesson the hardest way possible. Never going back to that part of the world. That part that lifts you to an imaginary world, and when you reach the summit, it kicks you real hard. You fall, face first down to the low mud, broken, defeated.
I will never give power to negativity, destruction or villains in my life. Never. Songs. Never. Anyone else play it. They won’t tear me up again. They have dried up the oceans of my tears.
Maybe dad shouldn’t have let me have my will. Or maybe on one of our trips, told me about falling prey to imaginary feelings that ruin happiness and peace. Maybe someday I shall sit with my kids in their teens and try to tell them about this facade-filled world. Where everything good is virtual and everything harsh is real.
Never. Songs, Never…….
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Posted by on January 14, 2017 in Pouring It Out...

 

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Home…….

What is a home? Where is a home?……

I was just scrolling through facebook, mindlessly. That is when I came across a very nostalgic video. It just broke the dam that was holding my emotional tears safely.

Ghar yaad aata hai mujhey…..

I miss home. That’s what it is supposed to mean. The first thing that flashed in front of my eyes, was my parental homes of Saudi. To me those homes are the closest meaning to home. We lived in different apartments. We changed a total of 5 houses. Each have their own nostalgic memories. Out of them one had my whole childhood.

Kehta hai roz mann mujhey…

Ghar yaad aata hai mujhey….

I miss that house the most. To me that was the most memorable home of my whole life. I went to school from that house. I learnt to read, write, use a computer, cycle, skate (yes I cycled and skated in KSA right through my teenage), rode buggies, jumped in the mud pools at school, made sand castles by the beach, flew kites at cornich, collected sea shells and hail stones, ran through the rain, enjoyed swinging away into the nights, counted the stars by lying on a mat….and so many more memories that I cannot even count.

Woh garmiyo ki raat…

Woh jaadey ki baat….

I miss those full blast a/c mornings. So comfy in the bed. Heck, me and bro sat playing Need For Speed on chairs wearing our blankets like huge coats.

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The winters? The cold washroom seats…the orange heater light that never flickered. I used to wear a grey sweater, then my dad’s blue jacket that had a brown fur lining inside. I sat infront of the white rotating heater.

I miss those car rides. Those long family drives along the coast with the windows scrolled down, the wind blowing in, ruffling the fabric of my niqaab. And the drives with just me and dad, simple peaceful trips to the clinic or to the exam halls or for those accounts classes.

Sabh sataata hai mujhey…

Ghar yaad aata hai mujhey….

I gave it up. Me. I gave it up. In the name of Love. I gave up everything. Left behind everyone I loved and who I knew would love me back and be there always.

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Chaah kar bhi waqt wapis mod nahi saktey.

Chah kar bhi waha nahi jaa saktey.

Chah kar bhi woh yaadein phirsei nahi jeesaktey.

Chah kar bhi laut nahi saktey waha….

I miss my brown blanket with white dots and brown flowers, and DIANA written in white on one corner.

Jin dino mei raha…

barso tak….

ek hissa unmei mera bhi tha….

phir waha rehna hai mujhey…..

ghar yaad aata hai mujhey…..

Even though I want to, I can’t turn back time. Can’t go back to that age, to that place, to those people, to my people. Home.

But according to the place I come from, a girl’s home isn’t her parents home. Her home is where she is married of to. Really? Wrong people. Wrong. There is no home in this world at all. Atleast that’s what I think.

What is a home? A place where you come to find peace and belonging…apnaapan. Maybe I can never find this feeling ever. I left my parental house to find my home in LOVE. I found a house. With people in it. But I didn’t find home….No I didn’t. I didn’t find a home.

Home was not with my parents. It is not in my spouse. It is not even in my kids. Where is my home?

Maulaaaaa…….

Mujhko bata mera dar hai kaha maula…

Jogi bada mei…phirta rawa kinna…

I am so well aware, that peace, love or belonging is never found in a person or place. It is found in the self. Maybe some day I may look at this blog post and laugh. Or maybe would nod my head and continue to cry. Maybe, just maybe I want to find a place called home. Because I learnt home can’t be a person. No not at all. It has to be a place.

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Bhatkna padega..

Pata nahi kabh thak…

Tabh thak ghar dhoondna hai..

Aur jabh thak…

Ghar yaad aata hai mujhey……

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Pw9v5XnMsg  : Link to the video I came across on facebook)

Note: Non-italic lines are my own.

 
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Posted by on January 14, 2017 in Pouring It Out...

 

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Penning problems.

January 1, or actually January 2 12:00 a.m

I have been harboring a lot of blog posts in my head. I found it hard to find the time to type them down.

Its just been a new year beginning. They say if you build your present with the bricks of a tomorrow, then you aren’t building anything new. I am trying hard to begin not just each year, but also each month with a fresh start. Everything is alright except a few nagging issues. One of which has carried over to this year. My mobile phone is infested with a pathetic virus. I downloaded an antivirus, called Malwarebytes. This app detected a Trojan Spy Thief. Two files that I am unable to uninstall.

I have a Lava A79. Its not been even a full year since hubby gifted me this phone. Everything was fine until two months ago, I really don’t know what happened, I started getting pop up messages about strange game installations. A while later, these games started getting installed automatically. Scariest part happened, when I started recharging the balance of my phone. The game apps get installed an deducted 20 bucks straight out of my talktime balance.

This is utterly creepy. I am being charged for games that I haven’t installed by myself. It is like a plague.

Here is what I tried doing to solve the issue:
1) Looked up the internet for solutions. They don’t work. One solution was to put my phone on Safe Mode and then try to remove any unknown looking app. I tried. There is no unknown looking app in phone!
2) Transfered all of my photos and videos from my SD Card and formatted it. Then placed back my media on the SD Card.
3) Reset my PHONE!
4) Created new gmail ID for linking and syncing my phone.
5) I thought maybe my SD Card is infected. So removed my SD Card, making my phone dependent only on internal memory.

WHERE IS THE VIRUS????? HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?

The other issue is, that our home wifi router is fixated in the hall. My room is the last one in the house. Very low connectivity in my room. It is very annoying that I cannot use the internet in the comfort of my room. I use my cellphone when I am not doing house chores. That is when I am in my room. It must be the most minor issue on this planet. But it frustrates me.
1) The modem/cable cannot be extended.
2) The router cannot be brought forward in the middle of the house, because it needs to be connected to the PC, which again cannot be moved from the hall.
3) The PC cannot be used for internet purposes, read Blogging, because it is toooo slow, either due to virus or I don’t know what other PC problem.
And oh, that low connectivity disappears to NO connectivity every night at or after around 11 pm.(I have to type my blog posts and post them later).

Hoping to find the solutions to these very soon. These tiny issues are like tiny worms, gnawing my a part of my brain slowly, driving me insane on mini step at a time.

 
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Posted by on January 3, 2017 in Pouring It Out...

 

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Saying Goodbye…

Walking on that wet sand, always made me feel at home. The gentle ripples and the slow gushing sound of the sea was music to my ears. I can’t verbally explain exactly how at peace I used to be at the beach in KSA. It was a private company beach, a great privilege for us. We visited there at almost every Eid. The attachment grew so much for me, that I began hauling my family in our car and forcibly taking them along with me. Dad always enjoyed taking me there though. It was about an hour and a half away from our home. It was a beautiful drive to and fro. And the beach was beyond words.

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Me and my siblings along with our neighbour kids. 2008

I waded in the water for as long as I could. I would try to rethink my life, to try to find a direction. I was clumsy at making friends. I was weird. The tiny waves would hit my feet gently as i walked about a kilometre or so. The water always mesmerised me, I tried to constantly find meaning in my life.

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Creating ripples. 2009

Towards the evening, my mom and dad would be done with barbecue they enjoyed doing together. They would call out to us to join them for a lovely feast of barbecue chicken and meat Kebabs, salad, Quboos (arabic bread), mayyonaise sauce. If I close my eyes I can still recollect the aroma and the taste. I can also recollect the feeling of being in the water.

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Building castles of sand. 2011

At times I built sandcastles. Not very fancy or artsy. Just structures in the sand. I always had something on my mind while building them. I was naive, and forlorn. Sometimes I listened to music. Taking the lyrics to heart. Sometimes I would just cry. It was just so beautiful to not cry.

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Almost sunset, close up. KFUPM beach, KSA. 2011

I did have a lovely time with my family. My siblings and I would build our own sand structures. Then we’d take lots of pictures. My little bro would trample over all our castles before sunset! When it got dark, mom would sit down on a mat by the sea. I wonder what all she used to think about. My brothers and sisters would play ball on the beach sand. Once my sis almost started a bonfire. Dad doused it quickly asking us to behave! I tried learning to drive dad’s car here often. On one trip a swarm of dead jelly fish were washed ashore. I had a fun time poking them and oozing the jelly out. My sis later made a jelly fish barbecue. Ewww! Oh, and once we even caught baby fishes in plastic bags. It was the hardest thing to do. At some time of the year there would be sea shells by the shore. Other times it would be neat as a sheet.

Why I am I reminiscing all of this? Today a friend of mine posted a silhouette of hers at the Alkhobar corniche. She is getting married. Most probably leaving KSA, and bidding the place goodbye. Sure she would come there again. But things would change. Just like they did with me.

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Bidding Goodbye.2011

In the picture above taken by my sis, I did not know I would be leaving this haven of mine. Probably forever in about a years time. I just cried. I am still having tears in my eyes. (I visited the beach once after my marriage, along with my hubby in 2012, and then again one last time in 2014 after my daughter was born.)

I don’t know what gave me courage to stand right there, half waded in the water, and say farewell..to the sea…to the sky…to the wind…to the sun…to the moon. I stood there and bid goodbye to the most favourite place of mine. My refuge, by the sea, that beach. My heart yearns so hard to go back once more, and hold the waves in my arms like lost children.

Reflecting now, life was so simple back then. I had so many blessings, I am now unable to count. Do I miss that part of my life? Yes I do. I like walking ahead in life. But there are some things that are hard to part with. My heart is whacking my brain. Where did it get so much guts from, to say goodbye to this place?

I used to lie down on the mat beside my mom and count the stars. I loved the stars from childhood. It used to be so peaceful there. We would sit there for hours doing nothing. Just living the present moment.

I consciously left that place. I knew I would miss it. The sea was very calm on my last visit. I just didn’t know, there would come a time where I would be up 1:50 am in the night, missing my beach so bad and the unsurmountable misery of the fact that I don’t think I will be able to ever go there again. Ever. If I knew that then, probably things would have been different.

What pokes at my heart, is the fact that I let the sun go down on me with my own hands. The night is beautiful, but is almost always hazy where I live. I am waiting, for dawn, for the sun to rise once more. Maybe a new venue, a new sea, a new wind, but my connection will be the same.

 

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Destruction.

She hurt me. With her words. With her ill-omens for me. I looked like a rebel in her eyes. Me? A rebel? I am the biggest issue-solver by putting my head down and doing whatever I am told. I live an exciting life with simplicity. I have goals in my life. I dream big. Work hard. And rest as much as I need. But she feels the opposite about me? I tried not to care. But it is so hard to shut my ears from her constant loud grumbling about me. I try real hard to fit in fun and excitement and happiness in my life. I try to enjoy my motherhood. To me, she can’t see me happy and pretty. She fumes because no one treats me like the way she was treated. So what should I do? 

She doesn’t like me. And she envies my mother. I don’t have time in a day to feel negative or to bring doen someone else. I don’t think bad about anyone except when they rub their disgust-filled stares in my face. She did this whole thing. This hurried selection. This hurried marriage. And she is the one lamenting about it. Why can’t she be happy? With herself? With the blessings around her?

I yearn for my mother. She lives so far away. I can’t go to her. If i could, then I would run to her and hug her tight. But all I can do is hug my hubby, and cry in my pillow when he falls asleep. It is a truly lonely world. More the people, more tge loneliness. I hate separation. I hate people who separate others even more. Love and poison can never live together…..never….

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2016 in Pouring It Out...

 

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