Lost in the pages…

Time flies. In my case, it is really rapid. I am hardly finding time to do all the things. Maybe I need to step back and look again at my day.

I’ve been gone from my blog for a while. Reason? Cooking, PARENTING TWO KIDS ON A TWO MONTH VACATION, reading a REALLY thick novel, and binge watching Pakistani Dramas…oh and yes Wifery.

We’ve been making a couple of trips to the Woobine Beach here in Toronto. Lovely place.

I have a lot of posts and emotions to outpour!

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Nibah… a closure…

Its raining outside gently….a romantic song in the backdrop….perfect setting for a new blog post…

As I had mentioned earlier, there is a tiny little hobby I developed. Binge-watching Pakistani dramas. Not all of them. Some of them.

The one that caught my whole attention and I couldn’t wait every Friday for the new episode to be telecast-ed.

The show named being Nibah.

Beautiful story, elegantly enacted, outstanding performance of all of the characters, eloquently worded with the right amount poetic verses. Most of all, the exemplary ability to raise emotions of anger, happiness and sadness for the characters in the story.

It annoyed me to be disturbed while watching the episodes.

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Although this TV series has nothing in common with my life, it is something amazing.

The story begins with a lovely family of five. A middle-aged couple with two teenage children and a little girl. Their lavish happy lifestyle is struck down with an unfortunate attack of cancer to the centre of the family- the mother Saiqa (Played by Savera Nadeem).

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Absolutely elegant character of a mother who showed the importance of bonding the family together.

Upon her death her devastated husband, Shaheer ( Played by Asif Raza Mir) is advised by his dear friend to find a way to open up for a new woman in his life for himself and his children who badly need a mother.

On the other side, Sofia ( Played by Amina Sheikh) is a soft spoken, practical, humble person with an ocean of patience.

As the story goes, she is engaged to her cousin Majid ( played by Amir Qureshi), who only got engaged (Written Nikah) to her so that his mother lets him settle in Dubai. Three years down the lane, there is no interest shown by him to marry Sofia. This disturbs her greatly. Her mother and sister are blinded by her fears and the something-is-not-right feeling that is engulfing her. Suddenly the mother-in-law announces a marriage date. On the day of the Mehendi/Mayo (pre-bridal shower), the mother-in-law turns up this time with a brown envelope containing the awful news of separation as he has already married someone he loves in Dubai.

This breaks apart the world for Sofia, a teacher in a middle class family. She wipes her tears and gets back to work the next day itself, only to be barraged with the constant gossip, insult and condescending words of her colleague and the Principal herself. A top class teacher in the Defense School, she pales to her compatriots due to the events in her private life.

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Sofia’s sister was to be married the son of her aunt. They are utterly dismayed at the event of Sofia’s divorce. So much so that, the aunt buys a Rishta (proposal) for Sofia so that as soon as Sofia is married, she can bring in her daughter-in-law.

The proposal is of Shaheer. A widower, with three children. A heartless mother, just to save her reputation and to hurry away with her responsibilities of marrying the daughters, overrides her husband’s decision, her daughter’s refusal and forces Sofia to marry Shaheer.

A somewhat rude beginning to their life, Shaheer feeling shy and confused on how to deal with this new event in his life, Sofia beginning to adjust to the utter rudeness of the elder kids as well as basking in the love of the little daughter Fenny. The two older children Mubashir and Saira, hate the fact that their father is coming closer towards their new mother. Although they realise she isn’t wicked it hurt them to see someone in their mother’s place. Although Sofia makes it very clear from the beginning that she hasn’t come to take anyone’s place or snatch anything from anyone. She just wants to join a broken family and try to make it whole again.

The one person who cannot stand all of this is Mubashir. This is because, Ms Sofia, as he calls her, is also his Class teacher. As he is into smoking and slowly slips into drugs intake along with his evil friend Fahad, his enemity soars too high. He becomes the character that brings the entire twist to the story.

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Apparently Majid (Sofia’s ex) is destroyed as his wife in Dubai leaves him, taking away everything he owns. He comes back to Pakistan hoping to patch up with Sofia. This advantage is taken by Mubashir who throw Majid into the middle of Sofia and Shaheers’ newly emerging love. The new marriage gets rocked by doubts of infidelity propounding by Mubashir blaming Sofia for everything in the house infront of their dad. Majid also picks up speed convincing Sofia’s mother to break Sofia’s marriage so he could patch up with her.

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The story then stalled a few episodes just gaining doubts on Sofia and her resilience and silence over the accusations against her. Her aunt who married her son to Sofia’s sister takes money from Majid’s mother to patch the two up for a marriage. In a fit of anger after seeing complete betrayal shown to her by her husband, sister, mother, Majid, and eventually her much loved father, she signs up for divorce with her husband Shaheer. It is then when Shaheer realises that he loves Sofia but is finding it hard to trust her after finding her with Majid in cafes and stores. He believes what meets his eyes, and he trusts his children more than Sofia. Between these lines, Saira, the daughter realises what they have done, regrets her decision to support her brother in spoiling the reputation of Sofia, after she is save by her during an assault by Fahad.

 

After a series of conversations with Shaheer, who requests her to apologise, she decides its time to go home. In the end, the spoilt brat Fahad is faced with mouth cancer due to drugs. Upon seeing that, teenage Mubashir freaks out and confesses everything to his father of the innocence of Sofia. Shaheer too himself retrospects what a sorry husband he has been to Sofia who asked nothing of him but trust and companionship.

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Much to the chagrin of Majid and Sofia’s mother, the family unites on a happy note.

 

 

 

Passing the time in pixels.

I saw my little sister doing this. It intrigued me to no ends. I did not get the time till this week to actually download the app.

Introducing colouring by pixel. So what we do is we are given a picture, we zoom in on it, and the picture is pixelised to alphabet and numbers that correspond to the colour palette required for the photo.

And we colour accordingly.

Helped me pass my time. Gave me the satisfaction of putting things in proper place ( a slight sense of ocd). Calmed me down among the chaos my kids and husband create. My thoughts somehow stop running in my head and all I am doing is digitally colouring.

I shall find an adult colouring book and grab some markers and begin colouring. I love that peace it gives.

Just among these lines, once upon a time I was a budding artist. I loved colour pencils and and I used to sit down and draw and colour lots and lots of pictures. I received a lot of appreciation for that at school. But my parents thought colouring was a childish hobby for a teenager and they often ridiculed me for it. And then my sister started doing the same and somehow I let go of colouring amd drawing. At one point I told her I let it so that she could excel in it. And man, has she excelled! My sister is an artist with a Pro level. She is this really amazing talented artist eho works both physical art and digital art. I hope someday she becomes famous for her work. It broke me to see she couldn’t pursue it as a career but she hasn’t backed down.

So I let go of it all. Once in a while, the artist in my yearns to do drawing and colouring once again. Maybe I might begin soon. I must.

Product Review..shampoo..

Its the worst. Ever.

I am not one who complains about products because they are of two types. One that make a genuine difference and one that are normal and not much of an effect is found using them.

But this. It has to be written down. I would never recommend anyone on this planet to use this item. Ever. I don’t even know why anyone would buy it. No wonder it was in full stock when I bought it.

This is what I bought. The Sunsilk stunning black shine shampoo from India, Dmart.

The thing is I used Sunsilk Hairfall shampoo. But that wasn’t available in the store. As my dad had earlier gifted me this very shampoo from the Saudi Arabia, I thought okay well this will also do.

But it did not.

It smells horrid. When mixed with water it looks like dirt from black jeans after a forest trek. It is very oily. It doesn’t wash my hair properly.

It put my hairfall back in full swing.

Yuck.

No matter how much water I run through my hair, it still feels icky.

Ugh.

I have never ever cribbed about anything so much in my life as this one shampoo.

I can’t wait for it to finish so I can get my fav one.

Wading…

When I took this picture of me, I was blank. I had no emotions. I was just looking at the cold waters.

I was unable to wade into them. Normally I would thow away my shoes and run into it. Cold or not. But this time I did not. Why? I don’t know.

Or maybe I do.

When your heart is not at rest nothing makes you feel elated. Until the thing bothering you dies away or gets fixed.

But you know what, right now its 12 in the night. And right now I want to sit by the seaside. If I had a car maybe I would put the kids to sleep beside my husband and drive to the shore. I may not wade into the midnight waters. But I would sit there on the shore in silence. Listening to the wave hit the shore one after the other. It gives an odd peace. A lot like mom patting my back putting my heart soul and body to sleep.

Mom.

I miss her.

Dad.

I miss him too.

I do not speak often to them. It hurts me. I miss them loads.

As a parent myself, I am slowly able to get each of their emotions, their thoughts, their feelings.

I like to drive. I hope to get a licence and my own car by the end of this year. Or maybe by mid next year.

I want to do a lot of things. But my surroundings drain my soul. They drain my strength. They drain my motivation. Within these four walls of my house, my tired body and demotivated soul, I am getting nowhere.

When we fall into a cycle, it is hard to get out. I need that break. I wonder where I will find the break. The break out of this cycle.

I want to have a peaceful ride into the night. Speed out into the open with my windows rolled down and breathe.

Why am I the only one taking everything seriously. Why am I the only one so concerned about everything. Why can’t I just chill and let everyone do whatever the hell they want.

I have to chill. I have to develop this calm. I have to develop a happening life where I am doing something I am proud of or something I always wanted to.

Tomorrow I shall go to the library. No matter how tiny and stuffy it is. Maybe I found it that way because I am comparing it with another one in the other part of this city.

Let me bring home stuff that shall engross me till the time to find a job or study or something comes up.

An empty mind is not just a devil’s workshop. It is the powerhouse of worries and a nuclear bomb, lava erupting mountain, tsunami waves all combined of madness, demotivation, depression and every negative thing that is slowing me down and drowning my peace.

I have to walk ahead. I must. Before I get too tired.

Unending….

Life is short. Everyone says that. I mean, I read that everywhere where people say it.

But is it really short?

I am not saying I get tired by keeping on walking.

Moving ahead has been a really blessed process for me.

Maybe it looked blessed for me because I accept what comes my way, picked it up and walked along with it without turning back. I didn’t sit and find time to pick regret about my decisions or my fate.

I didn’t want some of the things that came my way. I wanted to do something else, something else happened. Many times. I let go of all that.

And when I walked miles ahead, everything faded into blessings. The old regrets buried themselves. I even learnt to stop regretting. I forced my whole being to moving ahead without turning head even once.

I have a lot to do in my life. I don’t know how long I have to live. But it definitely doesn’t look like a short time.

The only thing weighing me down, holding me back and slowing me immensely are the people I am walking along with.

I can’t let go because that is something I wouldn’t dream of doing. Why do they see sidewalks and shortcuts in dark lanes.

Why can’t they see the darkness they are heading towards. Why can’t they see that they are dragging me along but I have got a straight path to go. We may shear at the joints. Why don’t they see that?

Why don’t they see that we started together to head to the same way. Now why is that way invisible to them?

Just because I have more responsibilities weighing down on me, I can’t run as fast as them. And I don’t even want to catch up with them because their way is dark, wrong and mainly it is just single laned.

Why can’t they see they are drifting away? How come what I feel about them does no longer matter.

I come to these crossroads often in my life. Each time, these pull me apart and shred me to pieces. I have kept picking them up, dragging along them with me. To be whole again and walk straight.

But with each crossroad, my strength to drag others along has begin to fade. Picking myself up seems easier. Walking alone seems to be easier. This way such crossroads won’t even come in my path.

But I know life well enough. It always gives me something by taking away something else from me.

So if I am to shed my load, life will surely give me something else to be sorrowful about. Life will hurt me with something else. It always has. I don’t trust life. At all.

Will the next hurdle be bearable? Nothing has been bearable till now. I can’t get around to ignore either.

You know what breaks me the most. I left the whole world for this one person whom I made my whole world. Now as I am watching them drift in and out of my life, I realise I am the most loneliest person on this planet. Other than my blog there isn’t one place or person I can talk to about my issues or my life or my happiness or my sadness in this over populated billion peopled world. Not. A. Single. Soul.

I keep crossing off days from my calender. Hoping, like I always have, to make myself busy, to lose myself in things I like to do, so these crossroads seem a little easier to cross. A little less hurtful. Like anesthesia. You are numb during the breakdown. When things patch up all the pain hits back. Just my mind screaming to me, it would have been worse if not for the anesthesia.

So for now, I will hold their hand tigher. Till I find either them coming back to the path or me finding my anesthesia. And then… I let go….without a care in the world. I shall let go.

I know in my heart with all my soul that I gave, give and will give my 100% always. I bow down in places where I shouldn’t, just to step on my ego and keep my life intact. All it takes is one stubborn word to blow up everything in my life like using Tnt. Just stubborn words. Thats all it takes to pull apart everything. Maybe, just maybe, when I find my anesthesia, I might let everything blow up…and maybe it would be for my own good… and just maybe it wouldn’t hurt me more or I regret.

Love. I have begun to hate this word. Love. Its because of this just one word where everything went haywire. I feel like I am in a car on speed that lost the brakes system, I am just steering it along trying to keep it in control, with my hands slipping. If I want I can hold on longer. If I want… I can let go….Life doesn’t crash when we want it to. It does when we least want it to.

God give me strength….

What books do to me….

I love books. Period.

I adore them. I go crazy over them.

I stopped reading them six years back. The addiction. I stopped the addiction.

Because it did a lot to me.

It restrung me. It remade me. The books just washed out my insides and filled up my blank canvas with a world no one can fathom.

So I was lonely after all my best friends left the Kingdom back to home country India. Even while in school, I had a gang of friends. But nobody was like “there for me all the time”. Nobody knew what I did, how I felt. I myself was a lost teen.

Until I found the world of books.

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Now this is what happened. My parents were happy that I was interested into reading. They knew my grammar was getting better and my English grades were soaring high. They were proud. My creativity levels hit the roof.

What actually happened each time, was as soon as I began reading, right from the first chapter, my mind and my soul left this world. Literally. I had a whole movie running in my head. The whole novel would lay out infront of my eyes. I would be transported. Out of this damn boring teen and tween life. Out of the monotony, the loneliness. Everything. It gave me a whole wide perspective to this world.

I was also sane and single. So this idea of true love, forever-ness and stuff got into me. I picked up qualities and fancy ideas of how I would love only one person on this planet. Give him all I have. Love him to the moon and back. Would never let him shed even a slight tear or worry because of me.

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All was well even after I met the man of my dreams. That’s when my book addiction when downhill. I had everything. I was in love. I was lost. In love.

I never believed of something known as honeymoon period in love. I only knew it was same and increased each day. But it apparently did not.

I abhorred my novels then. They taught me everything false about love. That was the only fluid feeling that I synced to in every book. And that was destroyed. Agree that I enjoyed the thrill, the mystery, the heartbeat fastening plot twists. But it was never a loner. Never a lone person. They always had someone they loved dearly who loved them back the same way. The one person they never wanted to lose. And it would shatter their world to lose them.

That’s when all the lines of various movies jeered at me relentlessly. True love exists only in novels.

It took me six long years to figure out why. Its because of the writer’s mind. In the mind of the writer, every body has love. Always. They may or may not have it in real life. But the best characters in the books are always loved people.

If I write my novel today, I too would have the protagonist with one person whom they could always fall back to. That feeling of having home base is priceless.

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That’s when I told God. If I can’t get true love on this earth, I do not want it in heaven too. I just want a small piece of heaven filled with an eternal supply of novels written by great minds and an endless spread of all the food I craved to eat on earth but couldn’t for whatever reasons…