Passing the time in pixels.

I saw my little sister doing this. It intrigued me to no ends. I did not get the time till this week to actually download the app.

Introducing colouring by pixel. So what we do is we are given a picture, we zoom in on it, and the picture is pixelised to alphabet and numbers that correspond to the colour palette required for the photo.

And we colour accordingly.

Helped me pass my time. Gave me the satisfaction of putting things in proper place ( a slight sense of ocd). Calmed me down among the chaos my kids and husband create. My thoughts somehow stop running in my head and all I am doing is digitally colouring.

I shall find an adult colouring book and grab some markers and begin colouring. I love that peace it gives.

Just among these lines, once upon a time I was a budding artist. I loved colour pencils and and I used to sit down and draw and colour lots and lots of pictures. I received a lot of appreciation for that at school. But my parents thought colouring was a childish hobby for a teenager and they often ridiculed me for it. And then my sister started doing the same and somehow I let go of colouring amd drawing. At one point I told her I let it so that she could excel in it. And man, has she excelled! My sister is an artist with a Pro level. She is this really amazing talented artist eho works both physical art and digital art. I hope someday she becomes famous for her work. It broke me to see she couldn’t pursue it as a career but she hasn’t backed down.

So I let go of it all. Once in a while, the artist in my yearns to do drawing and colouring once again. Maybe I might begin soon. I must.

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Product Review..shampoo..

Its the worst. Ever.

I am not one who complains about products because they are of two types. One that make a genuine difference and one that are normal and not much of an effect is found using them.

But this. It has to be written down. I would never recommend anyone on this planet to use this item. Ever. I don’t even know why anyone would buy it. No wonder it was in full stock when I bought it.

This is what I bought. The Sunsilk stunning black shine shampoo from India, Dmart.

The thing is I used Sunsilk Hairfall shampoo. But that wasn’t available in the store. As my dad had earlier gifted me this very shampoo from the Saudi Arabia, I thought okay well this will also do.

But it did not.

It smells horrid. When mixed with water it looks like dirt from black jeans after a forest trek. It is very oily. It doesn’t wash my hair properly.

It put my hairfall back in full swing.

Yuck.

No matter how much water I run through my hair, it still feels icky.

Ugh.

I have never ever cribbed about anything so much in my life as this one shampoo.

I can’t wait for it to finish so I can get my fav one.

Wading…

When I took this picture of me, I was blank. I had no emotions. I was just looking at the cold waters.

I was unable to wade into them. Normally I would thow away my shoes and run into it. Cold or not. But this time I did not. Why? I don’t know.

Or maybe I do.

When your heart is not at rest nothing makes you feel elated. Until the thing bothering you dies away or gets fixed.

But you know what, right now its 12 in the night. And right now I want to sit by the seaside. If I had a car maybe I would put the kids to sleep beside my husband and drive to the shore. I may not wade into the midnight waters. But I would sit there on the shore in silence. Listening to the wave hit the shore one after the other. It gives an odd peace. A lot like mom patting my back putting my heart soul and body to sleep.

Mom.

I miss her.

Dad.

I miss him too.

I do not speak often to them. It hurts me. I miss them loads.

As a parent myself, I am slowly able to get each of their emotions, their thoughts, their feelings.

I like to drive. I hope to get a licence and my own car by the end of this year. Or maybe by mid next year.

I want to do a lot of things. But my surroundings drain my soul. They drain my strength. They drain my motivation. Within these four walls of my house, my tired body and demotivated soul, I am getting nowhere.

When we fall into a cycle, it is hard to get out. I need that break. I wonder where I will find the break. The break out of this cycle.

I want to have a peaceful ride into the night. Speed out into the open with my windows rolled down and breathe.

Why am I the only one taking everything seriously. Why am I the only one so concerned about everything. Why can’t I just chill and let everyone do whatever the hell they want.

I have to chill. I have to develop this calm. I have to develop a happening life where I am doing something I am proud of or something I always wanted to.

Tomorrow I shall go to the library. No matter how tiny and stuffy it is. Maybe I found it that way because I am comparing it with another one in the other part of this city.

Let me bring home stuff that shall engross me till the time to find a job or study or something comes up.

An empty mind is not just a devil’s workshop. It is the powerhouse of worries and a nuclear bomb, lava erupting mountain, tsunami waves all combined of madness, demotivation, depression and every negative thing that is slowing me down and drowning my peace.

I have to walk ahead. I must. Before I get too tired.

Unending….

Life is short. Everyone says that. I mean, I read that everywhere where people say it.

But is it really short?

I am not saying I get tired by keeping on walking.

Moving ahead has been a really blessed process for me.

Maybe it looked blessed for me because I accept what comes my way, picked it up and walked along with it without turning back. I didn’t sit and find time to pick regret about my decisions or my fate.

I didn’t want some of the things that came my way. I wanted to do something else, something else happened. Many times. I let go of all that.

And when I walked miles ahead, everything faded into blessings. The old regrets buried themselves. I even learnt to stop regretting. I forced my whole being to moving ahead without turning head even once.

I have a lot to do in my life. I don’t know how long I have to live. But it definitely doesn’t look like a short time.

The only thing weighing me down, holding me back and slowing me immensely are the people I am walking along with.

I can’t let go because that is something I wouldn’t dream of doing. Why do they see sidewalks and shortcuts in dark lanes.

Why can’t they see the darkness they are heading towards. Why can’t they see that they are dragging me along but I have got a straight path to go. We may shear at the joints. Why don’t they see that?

Why don’t they see that we started together to head to the same way. Now why is that way invisible to them?

Just because I have more responsibilities weighing down on me, I can’t run as fast as them. And I don’t even want to catch up with them because their way is dark, wrong and mainly it is just single laned.

Why can’t they see they are drifting away? How come what I feel about them does no longer matter.

I come to these crossroads often in my life. Each time, these pull me apart and shred me to pieces. I have kept picking them up, dragging along them with me. To be whole again and walk straight.

But with each crossroad, my strength to drag others along has begin to fade. Picking myself up seems easier. Walking alone seems to be easier. This way such crossroads won’t even come in my path.

But I know life well enough. It always gives me something by taking away something else from me.

So if I am to shed my load, life will surely give me something else to be sorrowful about. Life will hurt me with something else. It always has. I don’t trust life. At all.

Will the next hurdle be bearable? Nothing has been bearable till now. I can’t get around to ignore either.

You know what breaks me the most. I left the whole world for this one person whom I made my whole world. Now as I am watching them drift in and out of my life, I realise I am the most loneliest person on this planet. Other than my blog there isn’t one place or person I can talk to about my issues or my life or my happiness or my sadness in this over populated billion peopled world. Not. A. Single. Soul.

I keep crossing off days from my calender. Hoping, like I always have, to make myself busy, to lose myself in things I like to do, so these crossroads seem a little easier to cross. A little less hurtful. Like anesthesia. You are numb during the breakdown. When things patch up all the pain hits back. Just my mind screaming to me, it would have been worse if not for the anesthesia.

So for now, I will hold their hand tigher. Till I find either them coming back to the path or me finding my anesthesia. And then… I let go….without a care in the world. I shall let go.

I know in my heart with all my soul that I gave, give and will give my 100% always. I bow down in places where I shouldn’t, just to step on my ego and keep my life intact. All it takes is one stubborn word to blow up everything in my life like using Tnt. Just stubborn words. Thats all it takes to pull apart everything. Maybe, just maybe, when I find my anesthesia, I might let everything blow up…and maybe it would be for my own good… and just maybe it wouldn’t hurt me more or I regret.

Love. I have begun to hate this word. Love. Its because of this just one word where everything went haywire. I feel like I am in a car on speed that lost the brakes system, I am just steering it along trying to keep it in control, with my hands slipping. If I want I can hold on longer. If I want… I can let go….Life doesn’t crash when we want it to. It does when we least want it to.

God give me strength….

What books do to me….

I love books. Period.

I adore them. I go crazy over them.

I stopped reading them six years back. The addiction. I stopped the addiction.

Because it did a lot to me.

It restrung me. It remade me. The books just washed out my insides and filled up my blank canvas with a world no one can fathom.

So I was lonely after all my best friends left the Kingdom back to home country India. Even while in school, I had a gang of friends. But nobody was like “there for me all the time”. Nobody knew what I did, how I felt. I myself was a lost teen.

Until I found the world of books.

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Now this is what happened. My parents were happy that I was interested into reading. They knew my grammar was getting better and my English grades were soaring high. They were proud. My creativity levels hit the roof.

What actually happened each time, was as soon as I began reading, right from the first chapter, my mind and my soul left this world. Literally. I had a whole movie running in my head. The whole novel would lay out infront of my eyes. I would be transported. Out of this damn boring teen and tween life. Out of the monotony, the loneliness. Everything. It gave me a whole wide perspective to this world.

I was also sane and single. So this idea of true love, forever-ness and stuff got into me. I picked up qualities and fancy ideas of how I would love only one person on this planet. Give him all I have. Love him to the moon and back. Would never let him shed even a slight tear or worry because of me.

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All was well even after I met the man of my dreams. That’s when my book addiction when downhill. I had everything. I was in love. I was lost. In love.

I never believed of something known as honeymoon period in love. I only knew it was same and increased each day. But it apparently did not.

I abhorred my novels then. They taught me everything false about love. That was the only fluid feeling that I synced to in every book. And that was destroyed. Agree that I enjoyed the thrill, the mystery, the heartbeat fastening plot twists. But it was never a loner. Never a lone person. They always had someone they loved dearly who loved them back the same way. The one person they never wanted to lose. And it would shatter their world to lose them.

That’s when all the lines of various movies jeered at me relentlessly. True love exists only in novels.

It took me six long years to figure out why. Its because of the writer’s mind. In the mind of the writer, every body has love. Always. They may or may not have it in real life. But the best characters in the books are always loved people.

If I write my novel today, I too would have the protagonist with one person whom they could always fall back to. That feeling of having home base is priceless.

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That’s when I told God. If I can’t get true love on this earth, I do not want it in heaven too. I just want a small piece of heaven filled with an eternal supply of novels written by great minds and an endless spread of all the food I craved to eat on earth but couldn’t for whatever reasons…

Thank you mom.

 

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Thank you mom, for doing everything for me, to let me be 28 today.

It is my birthday, but the celebration should be yours. You kept me safe in your womb. Provided me with the best of nutrition.Took care of me in my sickness.Jumped in my joy and held me in my sorrows.You made me strong emotionally and spiritually. You gave me your superpowers. You taught me how to fight the world with a smile. You taught me strong values. You gave me tough lesson to live life straight without falling out of cliffs or swaying away into river currents. You taught me the power of a women with complete charm and resilience. You left behind your dreams, your happiness and hung on to dear life, all for my sake. I bow my head, ashamed for all the times I thought you weren’t doing things in my interest. I was always wrong, you were always right. I saw all of your tears and every payer you made for me on the prayer mat. I love you my mom. I love you for giving me life.

I love you for making me 28 today mom. All I did today was to get born. The celebration is yours my mom.

 

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Linkin Park, never the same again.

Ok. So I have given up listening to songs. Why? Another time, another post. But right now, I want to vent out.

I had some down times in my late teens. Everything was chaotic because everyone was in college and I was idle at home doing nothing. I was dead bored and dead angry. Although my family abhorred music, I jumped full fledge into the music industry. Into the world of songs and tunes. The music helped the time go fast and my NEED FOR SPEED cars sped even faster.

I was a big fan of Linkin Park. My brother introduced me to Numb and it was my ringtone for three years straight. It was amazing to hear the bare voice of Chester Bennington.

My favourite ones of their list were Numb, In the End, Crawling, New Divide, From the Inside and Iridescent. They healed me somehow. I was hung to them.

Yesterday, when I read about Chester Bennington, I really went numb for a moment. No matter how many times we know that death can come to any one and at any age, still the heart refuses to register the deaths of young people. Chester was 41. That isn’t old age. But he is dead. He died with a piece of everyone’s heart who loved his songs…..