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Category Archives: Life Teaching Me…

Hollow from the inside…

Its been a long time, without you my friend. I’ll tell you all about it, when I see you again.

I really missed bogging all this while. I had so many posts in my head everyday but really, I really couldn’t muster the time to grab the laptop to type. I love blogging.

A lot has happened over the past few weeks. To begin with, my better half got my mobile phone fixed. Thanks to him, it works like new. Well almost. But it is much better. No more virus bugging me every instant. Battery is much better. I also got a cool back cover for it.

There is a destination I aim to reach in the next year. So got our stuff together and made our move. Hoping God lets everything go smooth. Big Goals ahead on this on!

Who said God doesn’t answer prayers. Sometimes you don’t even have to ask. My son got circumcised  a couple of weeks ago. My sister in law visited us for two days. Her dad asked her to wake up one late afternoon. After much mumbling, she sweetly said,” Daddy please let me sleep, I din’t catch a wink all night”. There was so much emotion and sweetness in her voice. My heart ached for my dad. At that very moment boundless tears flew out of my eyes. When will I get a chance to say something like that to my dad. (My parents and siblings live abroad in the KSA). Lo and Behold! The very next day my dad called up saying Grandma isn’t well and he is coming to India in two days time. MY EXCITEMENT KNEW NO BOUNDS. One ache, one sigh from my heart, and God sent my dad instantly overseas. Right to my house. Grandma is in a vegetative state with no medications. Just waiting for her time. Only I, only I know that God sent dad for me. And not for any other reason. I hugged my dad hard when he came. I couldn’t stop my tears . He has gone frail, but stronger in faith. His enigmatic charisma beheld my eyes and heart in awe. I love my dad. I missed him so much. I got to bond with him for a week. And then he bid goodbye. He went back to mom and siblings last Tuesday. (Well, now I am missing mom)

It has been very hot this summer. Temperatures really shot up. I have become really tired of constantly washing sweat filled clothes. And the current keeps cutting off. Two days back, hubby and me decided to move our furniture around to give a fresh look to the room. Beneath my dressing table he found a mouse. A dead mouse. It did not stink. There were no insects around it. It was dead. Along with the other dust I swiped it into the dust pan. I got a moment to look at it closely.

It taught me a lesson for life. Stagnant things become hollow from the inside. Stagnant things are dead things. There is a huge difference between being Constant and staying Stagnant. Life needs to have principles to be governed by for consistency. These should be imbibed to evolve in life. To move in life, even if it is moving behind or ahead or sideways.

That mouse got stuck. It couldn’t figure out a way out of its situation. So it sat stuck. It died. And the summer red fire ants ate up every single nerve, organ, everything of the mouse. Except its outer body. They permeated through its skin and ate it up. They left it hollow. When we found it, it did not look dead. It appeared very much alive. It’s when I shooed it with the broom, that I found it was dead, and hollow.

I got goosebumps at the realization. Never stay stuck, never. Always evolve. Always move ahead. Always, always keep moving.

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2017 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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Catching Up.

Well, its been quite a while since I posted. As the usual tick tock of my time continues, I tried my hands at different creative things this while. I just couldn’t fit the time to post on my blog in my messed up schedule.

My baby is being potty trained. And my toddler is having tantrum issues.

So the next few bogs will be about some sleeve-rolled-up stuff I’ve been doing for some time.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2017 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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Calming a raging storm.

Chaos hit me once more. It keeps hitting me. And sooner or later somehow I come out of it.

This time it looked impossibly. Everything, Every.Single.Thing, in my life right now is broken, leaking, poor, damaged or over. I am tired of this “I don’t need money just love” funda that I thought I could live through. I can’t.

I am stuck among negativity, revenge, cutting throat sarcasm, sweetened slavery. I don’t even know how to word my other problems. No matter where I am turning to, I am finding a dead end. It is very hard for me.

I cried for half an hour in the shower.

When life along with the soul is disturbed, nothing can be done. Maybe something can. I am turning around everywhere to find closed doors. I cannot, not in any freaking case, I can’t be where I am. I don’t even want to think of any reason to regret. I want to go. I am not meant for this. This is not who I should be. This is not what I should be doing.

My hands are tied. I want to shut my ears.

My soul is screaming inside my body. It is so hard, so very hard to calm myself down. Nobody, No freaking soul around me can calm this storm inside me. I am praying to God.

The silence is deafening. I am feeling so lonely.

I live in a house, with people in it. I have kids. I have a good husband. I have food to survive. I am thankful to God for all of this.

There is a scholar I greatly revere. He constantly stresses on having good character, mannerism and goodwill. Lack of all this along with a double dose of unthankfulness and negativity ravages in the house I live in.

I yearn. My soul yearns…..for peace. For calm. I want to redo and restart my life afresh. I want to have makeover of everything I am doing.

I recently read and article, that if you feel you are in a place that you feel is NOT THIS, then go get what you want. I am in the NOT THIS part of my life. I want to do something. But what I don’t know. I am living in a pathetic society, pathetic mentality, limited resources, no options, nothing.

Everything is so hard.

My kids aren’t making things easier for me either.

Hanging on by a withering thread of hope. Waiting for some freaking light to shine down me and get me out of here.

I am DONE. SOOOO DONE.

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2017 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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Dead Close Up.

Three days ago, my sister-in-law lost her father-in-law. I do not know much about him except what my SIL used to say about him. I met him on two occasions. Both the times, I found him to be a smiling man, with a lot of knowledge and seeking for more. I found him to be someone who recently discovered the sweetness of Faith. He had a good aura to him. He seemed fatherly to me.

He passed away three days ago. A sudden shocking death at the end of Friday prayers. An attack snatched his soul from his healthy body. He was never on medication.

Death doesn’t tell everyone and come.

I along with my husband’s family, went for condolence. His body was brought from the hospital to his wife’s maternal home. We went there. It was a big roomy old house.

As I entered the central room, there were women. His family and relatives. Sobbing. He was laid on a single cot, wrapped in clean white sheets. My heart trembled immensely. I had never seen a dead body. I saw him that day. They had uncle’s face uncovered. I couldn’t look at it. I just couldn’t. His wife sat beside him on a chair, crying inconsolably. Their daughter was sitting at their feet crying.

I did not ask my eyes to cry. The tears came on their own. I couldn’t look at uncle’s face above his nose. I just couldn’t see his eyes. Closed as they would be. He appeared as if he was asleep. I went and hugged aunty. I asked her to pray for him. And pray for herself too. For patience. I was crying from my heart. I didn’t care what anybody thought. I had met uncle only two weeks ago. Smiling and discussing how bad politics in the country had become. And now he was here lying before me. Not moving. I couldn’t take my eyes off aunty.

She was saying that he always gave strength to her, and now he himself weakened himself to death. Why?

As I sat a few chairs away, I was hoping with all my heart that uncle would get up and laugh and say Ha! Ha! I was just messing with you all. But he didn’t. He just lay there. Still. They covered his face with the sheet. And aunty kept crying.

You marry a man, with no idea about the future. You leave behind everything for a new beginning. You hold his hand, and mould into a lifestyle that syncs you both to perfection. And then one day Poof! He is gone.

When they lifted uncle to take him away for his last rituals, I wept again. Fresh tears. Where are you taking him? Why? Bring him back and ask him to wake up. Aunty needs him.

Later in the night, in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t sleep. Death doesn’t scare me. You are going back where you came from. It is just what death does to those related that tears me apart. Everyone moves on though. Only those who really loved and cared would find a hole in their lives that no amount of consolation from anyone can fill it for them.

 

 

 
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Posted by on January 23, 2017 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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Drama Series: Tum Kon Piya?

I often watch TV serials/ dramas. Both Indian and Pakistani. It never mattered to me who is acting or how. What beholds my heart and eyes is the thought, and feelings centered in the series.

Among the many that I have watched and loved, I watched TUM KON PIYA?  (Who are you love?)

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It is a completely heart wrenching story, based on a novel. I had my own questions about how things developed and eventually ended. But then I realised, they tried to make this as realistic as possible. And true, sometimes fate is cruel to even the nicest people on earth. The concept being that the afterlife is a Supreme court, that makes the best judgement in favour of the good over the evil. The evil is always defeated. Sometimes people get a chance to repent over their misdeeds. Some don’t.

That is what this story is about. A doting father, single handedly raising three beautiful, well-mannered and ethically strong girls. On the other hand, a prestige loving, affluent and money minded couple also happen to have a completely humane and loving son.

Elma and Ramish. Two people whose love isn’t normal infatuation. Their love is heavenly. You don’t have to be together to love someone. This is a kind of love of human life. Not love for beauty. But the words are PAKEEZAH (Pure) and Hamdardi (humane).

Due to the immense arrogance of his parents Ramish never gets to marry Elma. She is wedded into a family who has no value for her, except being a maid for them and saying yes all the time. Elma’s weakness angered me a lot. She didn’t stand up for her rights. Maybe some people are like that, soft and gentle, the world can trample over them. The moron she gets married to, Zarbab,  is understandably obedient to his slightly-wicked mother, but is shamefully cheating on his wife throughout the relationship. Not totally his fault. He couldn’t convince his mother to marry him to his lady love either. Sadly, I found the culture very unfair, where parents delve right into the matters of the heart thinking they know it all. All three families had the same concept here, the parents thought they were doing best for their children. It did appear like that for a while. But eventually a man lives with his woman. If he doesn’t like her because she is not his choice, then it is just a SAMJHAUTA (compromise). That totally defies the concept of marriage. But sadly, that is mostly how it turns out in the Asian subcontinent. No, I am not painting everyone with the same brush. But whenever this happens, it is truly heart breaking.

Elma never gets to marry to Ramish. The IZZAT (respect) that her father wanted her to live with was the very thing that destroyed her life. Her sisters stood by her side always. And Ramish never let anything come in between his humble nature of keeping up with promises. His big heart gave shoulder to so many weeping hearts.

Waqar Ali: The doting father. He brought up his daughters with good moral values, endurance and a high sense of humbleness. I truly admired his nature of holding self respect above and beyond money and greed and cheap talk. He taught his daughters only about love. Never about the evil around the world. Maybe that is why Elma couldn’t fight back. She just went on enduring everything.

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Elma: She was the flower of the movie. The pure rose, very loving very caring. extremely obedient to every relation. Very humble and forgiving. I felt very bad for her. Her afterlife will be successful, but she endured a painful life.

Seema: Elma’s second sister. Fate was on her side. Her life moved on like a cream on the cake. Always caring for her father and sisters.

Neha: Emotional, strong, loving caring youngest sister. She sacrificed a lot too. She eventually married Ramish, sacrificing her dreams of love and her own family, just so that she can take care of her sister’s son Afnan and also being able to serve Ramish’s aging mother and father. All this in trying to return the immense favours endowed on them by Ramish.

Zarbab: The lover of Juveria, but husband of Elma. The most spine-less character in the series. A man who gets flowed away by other’s commands but unhappy because he doesn’t like where things are going. A man of no weight, no sense of responsibility. The only thing that held him good was utmost obedience to his mother. His punishment in the end: He lost his mother to cancer, his love Juveria destroyed him because he couldn’t fight for his love for her, his brother Arif destroyed his relation with his wife because he didn’t trust Elma, he could never think clearly, and in the end, his own son refused to accept him as his father.

Sharafat: Mother of Zarbab, Arif and Sobiya: A hardened woman, who brought up her children under tight financial situations that made her biased and extremely critical and controlling. She completely controlled Zarbab, ruining his marital life. Destroying trust, the concept of mother’s love, unfairness, in her fear of being abandoned in old age. Because of her partial love, she couldn’t nurture Arif well, who turned out to be a complete brat. When liver cancer hit her, she realised her mistakes, made it upto Elma, but died disturbed for her kids. She tightened finance on her children and made them count for every penny. In the end, when she needed money the most, she didn’t have any. To the point that her kids had to sell the house for her medication.

Sobiya: A good girl, obedient, a little naughty, but good natured.

Arif: A jealous, spoilt to the core brat. He completely disrespected his mother, betrayed his brother, completely destroyed Zarbab’s life. Didn’t let him marry Juveria, and then broke him and Elma apart. His punishment: his wife took all of his money, share in the house and abandoned him. Because of his deeds he ended up become insane, leading a painful life in the mental hospital, screaming at Elma and his mother to forgive him.

Juveria: A sharp minded modern girl, who loved Zarbab dearly. She did everything she could to win him, to fight for him. But everywhere she ran behind Zarbab, he only left her in the middle and ran away. It felt very nice in the end, when fate sided with her, she got a comfortable independent life and someone who was ready to hold her hand without hiding away.

Muzzaffar: Ramish’s father, utterly scheming, business minded, calculative. Someone who would go to any extent to what he wanted. He forced upon Waqar to divert Elma away from Ramish by degrading Waqar in the worst way possible. Everything that Waqar eventually did was to save his self-respect. It took Muzaffar too long to realise his mistakes. It took time him too long to realise that he had utterly ruined his son’s life and happiness.

Tamkanat: Ramish’s mother. A lady with only her head held way too high. Her words, her thoughts, her decisions worse than mud and dirt. She gets partially paralysed as her punishment. She eventually recovers, then decides to mend the life of her son which she broke apart.

Sumbul: A practical minded girl, who got attached to Ramish, but when she realised that his heart belonged to Elma, she strengthened herself and bid him well. I felt sorry for her. Her feelings were played with, only because of the arrogance of  Ramish’s parents,

Ramish Hassan: The true hero. An extremely well-played character. An example of humbleness. A rare gem that stood by for so many people who weren’t his own. His undying sacrifices to mend so many lives. His pure love for Elma, beyond the love of flesh or companionship. If people should be, they should be like him. Always there for those who need him. Him his priorities always sorted.

TUM KON PIYA: The question that Elma and Ramish want an answer for. The reason behind their pure love, that gives them strength in each other to fight in the jungles of their respective lives.

This series made me cry. I cried a lot. A lot. It moved so many strings of my heart. It made me want to be strong. It made me want love with all my heart. It made me want to stand up for the good and be harsh for the evil and not it creep in. It made me want to be humane. It made want to be righteous. It made want to do something for my parents. It made me want to love my life partner and give him all the happiness in the world. So that he shouldn’t have to wander lost in this cold world.

 

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2017 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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Movie: Congo(1995)

Tuesday was a dull day. Droopy winter afternoon, light-less room and health feeling down, it took a movie to charge me up. Swapping channels led me to a movie called Congo.

I love mysteries and adventures, and this was just the genre of the movie. It got me enthralled, with a tea cup in my hand the whole movie with my jaw dropped, I had a great time.

Its about a diamond mine near an active volcano that is protected by a species of vicious looking monkeys. They are more like gorillas. Their job: safeguard the mine.

But more than this, the movie was about feelings/emotions, pure and humane. The instinct to survive and to save in times of horror and peril.

The gorilla that has been petted, Amy, proves to love his caretaker as if he was his mother. Keeping her own fears aside, Amy fights the odds for his keeper. It also showed the undying bond that the keeper had with Amy, always by her side no matter what people say. He even put Amy before his life.

This movie also stood for human values. The lead lady is sent on a mission into the deep uninhabited jungles of Congo, Zaire. Supposedly to find out if her fiance/fellow colleague is alive. She and a team of skilled individuals, delve deep into the feared city of Zinj. There, they learn of the horrific deaths of the people who tried to reach the diamond mine. Including her fiance. A lot of their team members die at the hands of the scary-looking blood-thirsty gorillas, only due to the greed of the mine digging fellow team mate.

Greed is a horrid thing. It becomes even more deadly when it is held above human values. The archaeologist leads his fellow mates right into death’s mouth, only because he wanted the diamonds.

This movie was nicely directed. The entire movie circled around the mysterious city of Zinj. And the guardians of the mine. The horrifying death bodies reveal that they had seen something dangerous and scary. And really, the gorillas were so monstrous looking, they got me on goosebumps.

I don’t know if my write up would inspire anyone to watch the movie, but my whole point, is that the movie was a great one. I was totally engrossed.

My Tuesday evening ended with an awesome barbecue session  with my hubby, on the terrace, watching the sunset and a yummy chicken!!!!

 

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​Last look at the stars.

Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are,up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. Ooooo nope. Not a diamond. More like a disco ball. 

We are shifting home. Moving from our rented apartment back to our own home, now newly constructed. As I lay tonight on my bed, viewing the sky from my first floor window, a sole star shines back at me. It is a clear violet sky, a slight chill of December in the air. My toes and fingers are cold. I am going to miss this house. A lot. I have had more good memories here than in my previous house. A good one and a half year. A fresh start. A new ambition. Something really great to look forward too. My son is about two and a half years old. He will never be able to recall this house. But here is where he learnt to walk. And to utter sentences in his cute gibberish. He learnt here to run with all his might, often straight into things. My daughter will never forget this place though. Her grandma drilled into her since day 1 that we have to go back to our new house. That’s all she’s been asking us ever since. When are we going to our own new house?  Tonight, she is unable to sleep out of excitement. She’s learnt to write in this house, and has had a great beginning of speaking English. With an accent. 
I don’t know what hubs feels about moving. But for me. I love change. I love to move. I hate stagnancy. My excitement is one notch down though. It is fun packing and unpacking. It is fun moving. But. The place I am going back to, isn’t how it looked like before. But it is rebuilt on the same soil. The soil that changed me. The soil that shredded my whole being apart. The soil that dimmed the light of my aura. It paled my soul. It weakened me. The dark shadows of the past send a quiver down my heart. 

I don’t believe in omens. I despise negativity. Somehow, I have let it creep in. Negativity. To flush it out , I need to leave this entire place. My mind is silent. Dominance by my house folks has dampened my excitement to go. I heard in a recent documentary that only one thing is never responsible to bring anything down. It is always a chain of events. That drag down the mightiest of things. One after the other. That is what is happening with my outgoing spirited nature. I am becoming sullen, angry, grumpy and often sad and mostly negative. This is not me. This is not how I be me. I prance my way into the day. Everyday. But now, I am surviving. Ticking days off the calendar. Sometimes I don’t look at it for a week. It helps to make the month go faster. 

As I lay on my pillow, looking at my beloved sky, clear and clean with that one sweet shiny star, I bid goodbye. My new home doesn’t have a window to view the sky anymore. No moon. No birds. No trees. No stars. No sun. No rain. Why does it sound like a prison? It isn’t. It is beautiful. A beautiful prison. Where I am free to move. But my mind is chained. My thoughts are curbed. And my free spirit rots , as I cross off days. I am going to miss this sweet little star. Its twinkling is almost as if it is blinking away tears. ( Ok this got way out of hand. But yeah that’s how I am feeling now). 

And now, fifteen minutes later, its become a bit cloudy. The star has gone. Goodbye. And Goodluck.

Sunday 11 December; 2:02 am

 
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Posted by on December 22, 2016 in Life Teaching Me...

 

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