Wading…

When I took this picture of me, I was blank. I had no emotions. I was just looking at the cold waters.

I was unable to wade into them. Normally I would thow away my shoes and run into it. Cold or not. But this time I did not. Why? I don’t know.

Or maybe I do.

When your heart is not at rest nothing makes you feel elated. Until the thing bothering you dies away or gets fixed.

But you know what, right now its 12 in the night. And right now I want to sit by the seaside. If I had a car maybe I would put the kids to sleep beside my husband and drive to the shore. I may not wade into the midnight waters. But I would sit there on the shore in silence. Listening to the wave hit the shore one after the other. It gives an odd peace. A lot like mom patting my back putting my heart soul and body to sleep.

Mom.

I miss her.

Dad.

I miss him too.

I do not speak often to them. It hurts me. I miss them loads.

As a parent myself, I am slowly able to get each of their emotions, their thoughts, their feelings.

I like to drive. I hope to get a licence and my own car by the end of this year. Or maybe by mid next year.

I want to do a lot of things. But my surroundings drain my soul. They drain my strength. They drain my motivation. Within these four walls of my house, my tired body and demotivated soul, I am getting nowhere.

When we fall into a cycle, it is hard to get out. I need that break. I wonder where I will find the break. The break out of this cycle.

I want to have a peaceful ride into the night. Speed out into the open with my windows rolled down and breathe.

Why am I the only one taking everything seriously. Why am I the only one so concerned about everything. Why can’t I just chill and let everyone do whatever the hell they want.

I have to chill. I have to develop this calm. I have to develop a happening life where I am doing something I am proud of or something I always wanted to.

Tomorrow I shall go to the library. No matter how tiny and stuffy it is. Maybe I found it that way because I am comparing it with another one in the other part of this city.

Let me bring home stuff that shall engross me till the time to find a job or study or something comes up.

An empty mind is not just a devil’s workshop. It is the powerhouse of worries and a nuclear bomb, lava erupting mountain, tsunami waves all combined of madness, demotivation, depression and every negative thing that is slowing me down and drowning my peace.

I have to walk ahead. I must. Before I get too tired.

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Unending….

Life is short. Everyone says that. I mean, I read that everywhere where people say it.

But is it really short?

I am not saying I get tired by keeping on walking.

Moving ahead has been a really blessed process for me.

Maybe it looked blessed for me because I accept what comes my way, picked it up and walked along with it without turning back. I didn’t sit and find time to pick regret about my decisions or my fate.

I didn’t want some of the things that came my way. I wanted to do something else, something else happened. Many times. I let go of all that.

And when I walked miles ahead, everything faded into blessings. The old regrets buried themselves. I even learnt to stop regretting. I forced my whole being to moving ahead without turning head even once.

I have a lot to do in my life. I don’t know how long I have to live. But it definitely doesn’t look like a short time.

The only thing weighing me down, holding me back and slowing me immensely are the people I am walking along with.

I can’t let go because that is something I wouldn’t dream of doing. Why do they see sidewalks and shortcuts in dark lanes.

Why can’t they see the darkness they are heading towards. Why can’t they see that they are dragging me along but I have got a straight path to go. We may shear at the joints. Why don’t they see that?

Why don’t they see that we started together to head to the same way. Now why is that way invisible to them?

Just because I have more responsibilities weighing down on me, I can’t run as fast as them. And I don’t even want to catch up with them because their way is dark, wrong and mainly it is just single laned.

Why can’t they see they are drifting away? How come what I feel about them does no longer matter.

I come to these crossroads often in my life. Each time, these pull me apart and shred me to pieces. I have kept picking them up, dragging along them with me. To be whole again and walk straight.

But with each crossroad, my strength to drag others along has begin to fade. Picking myself up seems easier. Walking alone seems to be easier. This way such crossroads won’t even come in my path.

But I know life well enough. It always gives me something by taking away something else from me.

So if I am to shed my load, life will surely give me something else to be sorrowful about. Life will hurt me with something else. It always has. I don’t trust life. At all.

Will the next hurdle be bearable? Nothing has been bearable till now. I can’t get around to ignore either.

You know what breaks me the most. I left the whole world for this one person whom I made my whole world. Now as I am watching them drift in and out of my life, I realise I am the most loneliest person on this planet. Other than my blog there isn’t one place or person I can talk to about my issues or my life or my happiness or my sadness in this over populated billion peopled world. Not. A. Single. Soul.

I keep crossing off days from my calender. Hoping, like I always have, to make myself busy, to lose myself in things I like to do, so these crossroads seem a little easier to cross. A little less hurtful. Like anesthesia. You are numb during the breakdown. When things patch up all the pain hits back. Just my mind screaming to me, it would have been worse if not for the anesthesia.

So for now, I will hold their hand tigher. Till I find either them coming back to the path or me finding my anesthesia. And then… I let go….without a care in the world. I shall let go.

I know in my heart with all my soul that I gave, give and will give my 100% always. I bow down in places where I shouldn’t, just to step on my ego and keep my life intact. All it takes is one stubborn word to blow up everything in my life like using Tnt. Just stubborn words. Thats all it takes to pull apart everything. Maybe, just maybe, when I find my anesthesia, I might let everything blow up…and maybe it would be for my own good… and just maybe it wouldn’t hurt me more or I regret.

Love. I have begun to hate this word. Love. Its because of this just one word where everything went haywire. I feel like I am in a car on speed that lost the brakes system, I am just steering it along trying to keep it in control, with my hands slipping. If I want I can hold on longer. If I want… I can let go….Life doesn’t crash when we want it to. It does when we least want it to.

God give me strength….

Pause…

So I haven’t been posting Iftar pictures anymore.

It may be because they are repetitive. I am out of energy, motivation and mostly time.

I make a lot and most of it gets left over.

Monotony suffocates me. Not being acknowledge exasperates me.

And mostly, I got tired.

So I won’t be posting daily as I originally thought I would.

But I will, whenever the creative me arises within. Till then…. I have another mini hobby running!

Iftar. May 24.

So here’s today’s prep.

Menu for today:

1) Dahi badey

2) Fried spicy corn

3) Black chana

4) Maash Bhajiye

5) Spring rolls

6) Samosa

7) Orange and pomegranate

8) Mango juice

9) Dates.

I did a little twist in the making of two of the items today.

I fried burger patties, cut them to tiny squares, mixed them with mayo and made a filling out of it! For the spring rolls and the samosa. Oh the Taste!!!

Iftar. May 23

I don’t have a picture for today.

That’s because it was a test of my sanity, parenting and patience.

My son decided to get on every nerve I had during and after the time to break my fast.

All I felt was wearing my shoes and running as far as I could.

But I didn’t. Instead I focused on keeping my calm no matter the tantrums and chaos he was throwing and creating.

It was after we were done eating halfway that I realised I had no picture.

Here’s what I made:

1) differently flavoured Dahi badey

2) Chana daal

3) Maash and besan bhajiye

4) Samosa

5) Orange and Pomegranate

6) Dates.

I made a light menu because I had a special dinner.

Flavoured steamed vegetable rice made in ghee with spicy chicken.