When I took this picture of me, I was blank. I had no emotions. I was just looking at the cold waters.
I was unable to wade into them. Normally I would thow away my shoes and run into it. Cold or not. But this time I did not. Why? I don’t know.
Or maybe I do.
When your heart is not at rest nothing makes you feel elated. Until the thing bothering you dies away or gets fixed.
But you know what, right now its 12 in the night. And right now I want to sit by the seaside. If I had a car maybe I would put the kids to sleep beside my husband and drive to the shore. I may not wade into the midnight waters. But I would sit there on the shore in silence. Listening to the wave hit the shore one after the other. It gives an odd peace. A lot like mom patting my back putting my heart soul and body to sleep.
I miss her.
I miss him too.
I do not speak often to them. It hurts me. I miss them loads.
As a parent myself, I am slowly able to get each of their emotions, their thoughts, their feelings.
I like to drive. I hope to get a licence and my own car by the end of this year. Or maybe by mid next year.
I want to do a lot of things. But my surroundings drain my soul. They drain my strength. They drain my motivation. Within these four walls of my house, my tired body and demotivated soul, I am getting nowhere.
When we fall into a cycle, it is hard to get out. I need that break. I wonder where I will find the break. The break out of this cycle.
I want to have a peaceful ride into the night. Speed out into the open with my windows rolled down and breathe.
Why am I the only one taking everything seriously. Why am I the only one so concerned about everything. Why can’t I just chill and let everyone do whatever the hell they want.
I have to chill. I have to develop this calm. I have to develop a happening life where I am doing something I am proud of or something I always wanted to.
Tomorrow I shall go to the library. No matter how tiny and stuffy it is. Maybe I found it that way because I am comparing it with another one in the other part of this city.
Let me bring home stuff that shall engross me till the time to find a job or study or something comes up.
An empty mind is not just a devil’s workshop. It is the powerhouse of worries and a nuclear bomb, lava erupting mountain, tsunami waves all combined of madness, demotivation, depression and every negative thing that is slowing me down and drowning my peace.
I have to walk ahead. I must. Before I get too tired.