Chaos hit me once more. It keeps hitting me. And sooner or later somehow I come out of it.
This time it looked impossibly. Everything, Every.Single.Thing, in my life right now is broken, leaking, poor, damaged or over. I am tired of this “I don’t need money just love” funda that I thought I could live through. I can’t.
I am stuck among negativity, revenge, cutting throat sarcasm, sweetened slavery. I don’t even know how to word my other problems. No matter where I am turning to, I am finding a dead end. It is very hard for me.
I cried for half an hour in the shower.
When life along with the soul is disturbed, nothing can be done. Maybe something can. I am turning around everywhere to find closed doors. I cannot, not in any freaking case, I can’t be where I am. I don’t even want to think of any reason to regret. I want to go. I am not meant for this. This is not who I should be. This is not what I should be doing.
My hands are tied. I want to shut my ears.
My soul is screaming inside my body. It is so hard, so very hard to calm myself down. Nobody, No freaking soul around me can calm this storm inside me. I am praying to God.
The silence is deafening. I am feeling so lonely.
I live in a house, with people in it. I have kids. I have a good husband. I have food to survive. I am thankful to God for all of this.
There is a scholar I greatly revere. He constantly stresses on having good character, mannerism and goodwill. Lack of all this along with a double dose of unthankfulness and negativity ravages in the house I live in.
I yearn. My soul yearns…..for peace. For calm. I want to redo and restart my life afresh. I want to have makeover of everything I am doing.
I recently read and article, that if you feel you are in a place that you feel is NOT THIS, then go get what you want. I am in the NOT THIS part of my life. I want to do something. But what I don’t know. I am living in a pathetic society, pathetic mentality, limited resources, no options, nothing.
Everything is so hard.
My kids aren’t making things easier for me either.
Hanging on by a withering thread of hope. Waiting for some freaking light to shine down me and get me out of here.
I am DONE. SOOOO DONE.