For a few days lately, my soul feels jailed inside my body. I cannot express this with anyone.
I have created such strong walls around me, and I have enclosed myself completely. The only One who knows everything is God Almighty. I don’t really know how, but step by step this concrete wall has grown very strong and very high.
I am feeling all this, because I was chasing a dream. I still am. I did all the work I could. Now it’s upto God. To fulfill the remaining half of it. I have been praying a year for it. Nothing has budged since then. My hopes are beginning to crumble. I am desperate. I cannot give up. I don’t want to give up. It is all I want right now. Since a year actually.
I am looking for one sign, one silver lining, one, just one thing that will tell me that it is going to work out. I dislike being kept in the dark. I hate darkness. I stumble till I find light.
Like I said, I fell in a pit long ago. I have to find a way out. It is so hard. Mostly, because I am counting completely on God to help me. What my belief is, I did some things by my own judgement. I trapped myself in doing so. My rationale told me to rely on God. Because God never makes mistakes. So that’s what I did. That is what I am doing. I just have to have patience.
I have always had a lot patience. Heck, I lost a lot of things in my life because I decided to be patient and keep mum. Now I wish I had done something back then. This has totally messed up the concept of patience within me.
Usually I always have answers. God has always always answered my questions. My faith is unwavering. It is just this thing. That I want. That is not happening. And I need to know when and why.
I cannot explain, but there is this feeling of being like an uncomfortably stretched rubber band. It is going to snap. Horribly. And it is going to hurt. Terribly. But I want answers. Or things to happen.
Waiting is horrible.
I really need help. To get out of this gum. I am trying so hard, looking so deep. I cannot find the break I am looking for. I have literally no one who can do a thing about this except God.