Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are,up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. Ooooo nope. Not a diamond. More like a disco ball.
We are shifting home. Moving from our rented apartment back to our own home, now newly constructed. As I lay tonight on my bed, viewing the sky from my first floor window, a sole star shines back at me. It is a clear violet sky, a slight chill of December in the air. My toes and fingers are cold. I am going to miss this house. A lot. I have had more good memories here than in my previous house. A good one and a half year. A fresh start. A new ambition. Something really great to look forward too. My son is about two and a half years old. He will never be able to recall this house. But here is where he learnt to walk. And to utter sentences in his cute gibberish. He learnt here to run with all his might, often straight into things. My daughter will never forget this place though. Her grandma drilled into her since day 1 that we have to go back to our new house. That’s all she’s been asking us ever since. When are we going to our own new house? Tonight, she is unable to sleep out of excitement. She’s learnt to write in this house, and has had a great beginning of speaking English. With an accent.
I don’t know what hubs feels about moving. But for me. I love change. I love to move. I hate stagnancy. My excitement is one notch down though. It is fun packing and unpacking. It is fun moving. But. The place I am going back to, isn’t how it looked like before. But it is rebuilt on the same soil. The soil that changed me. The soil that shredded my whole being apart. The soil that dimmed the light of my aura. It paled my soul. It weakened me. The dark shadows of the past send a quiver down my heart.
I don’t believe in omens. I despise negativity. Somehow, I have let it creep in. Negativity. To flush it out , I need to leave this entire place. My mind is silent. Dominance by my house folks has dampened my excitement to go. I heard in a recent documentary that only one thing is never responsible to bring anything down. It is always a chain of events. That drag down the mightiest of things. One after the other. That is what is happening with my outgoing spirited nature. I am becoming sullen, angry, grumpy and often sad and mostly negative. This is not me. This is not how I be me. I prance my way into the day. Everyday. But now, I am surviving. Ticking days off the calendar. Sometimes I don’t look at it for a week. It helps to make the month go faster.
As I lay on my pillow, looking at my beloved sky, clear and clean with that one sweet shiny star, I bid goodbye. My new home doesn’t have a window to view the sky anymore. No moon. No birds. No trees. No stars. No sun. No rain. Why does it sound like a prison? It isn’t. It is beautiful. A beautiful prison. Where I am free to move. But my mind is chained. My thoughts are curbed. And my free spirit rots , as I cross off days. I am going to miss this sweet little star. Its twinkling is almost as if it is blinking away tears. ( Ok this got way out of hand. But yeah that’s how I am feeling now).
And now, fifteen minutes later, its become a bit cloudy. The star has gone. Goodbye. And Goodluck.
Sunday 11 December; 2:02 am