Destruction.

She hurt me. With her words. With her ill-omens for me. I looked like a rebel in her eyes. Me? A rebel? I am the biggest issue-solver by putting my head down and doing whatever I am told. I live an exciting life with simplicity. I have goals in my life. I dream big. Work hard. And rest as much as I need. But she feels the opposite about me? I tried not to care. But it is so hard to shut my ears from her constant loud grumbling about me. I try real hard to fit in fun and excitement and happiness in my life. I try to enjoy my motherhood. To me, she can’t see me happy and pretty. She fumes because no one treats me like the way she was treated. So what should I do? 

She doesn’t like me. And she envies my mother. I don’t have time in a day to feel negative or to bring doen someone else. I don’t think bad about anyone except when they rub their disgust-filled stares in my face. She did this whole thing. This hurried selection. This hurried marriage. And she is the one lamenting about it. Why can’t she be happy? With herself? With the blessings around her?

I yearn for my mother. She lives so far away. I can’t go to her. If i could, then I would run to her and hug her tight. But all I can do is hug my hubby, and cry in my pillow when he falls asleep. It is a truly lonely world. More the people, more tge loneliness. I hate separation. I hate people who separate others even more. Love and poison can never live together…..never….

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How?

Agreed. Let’s leave the past and move ahead. Past is something to be left behind. But isn’t it something to learn from? To not repeat the same mistakes over and over again? Like we write down everything we spend and we scrutinize it once to be able to rectify errors and avoid bad repititions. We do that, don’t we? And true we keep that aside and never look at it again. But is it possible with the past? Each time, somehow life brings you on a full circle crossroad point. And I go like déjà vu. I’ve been here, done this, and jumped in the well with open eyes. And Lo and behold, here am I again. Now what? The brain. That’s what the brain does. It gets itself eloctrocuted, short circuited and phusssss. Full stop to the present. And back goes the time machine, rewinding and reliving every single moment. Every moment of agony, magnified. Tears double, heart cringes harder, but the brain is frozen. In the past.

I was a strong believer that anything that is constantly drilled can become a strong habit. Now I waver with this thought. I taught my brain with various ways of disciplining it, no rewinding. If really badly, then just a peek into the past. Not relive it. Not again. But guess what? My brain replied that it’s not his sole fault. The moment is the culprit.

The moment is an alarm, its a warning, it’s a reminder, that look, don’t flow away with emotions, look at what went wrong. Don’t do it again.

But do you know what? You know what brain? Do you know why I am up, 12 in the night, smashing away at the keys of my phone? Of course you do! You even know what my heart wants. I am up tonight, because I wanted something so bad years ago, that I did everything I could to get it. Later I wasn’t sure if it was worth the trouble. Again life has brought me back to a similar point.

I don’t see two roads diverging in the woods. I never did. I always saw only one road. And it was almost never trodden by. God knows at how much lengths I go to, to get what I want. Now I am here, the road ahead of me crystal clear. I can’t see the hidden trapdoors. I don’t know how deep I am going to fall, but I know I am climbing again. Climbing a very high mountain. One. More. Freaking. Time. I am not scared. The alarms are going off in my ahead. My heart is screaming, why again? Hasn’t the past taught you enough? Why can’t you just go with the flow. No heart. I am not built for that. I want it. All of it. The rains, the storms, the breeze and the springs. Forgive me Lord, but you have made me a warrior. I defeat the fears of my heart each night. And I am truly sorry heart, but buckle up, it’s gonna be a very rough ride ahead.

Mini Project

I call this a project. Because to me, anything that requires panning and then execution is a project.

So, my kids find new stuff to keep themselves busy everyday. One big break for them was the paint coming off from some parts of the wall. Seems like the builders of our apartment complex were way too commercial in making sure they layered the paint well. In my room, beside my mini window my kids found great joy in peeling the paint off, breaking it into bits, and “cooking” stuff for us!! But at bedtime, it was a true torture everyday clearing up so much mess.

So I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. I decided to cover up those patches.

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I got a textured sheet, marker, pencil, tape and ruler. I had to make two patches. This is what I did:

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This reads: Taqdeer aur Kismat se Zyada taqat Dua mei hai. (More than Fate, true strength lies in Prayer)

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This was for the biiiiggg patch. Task completed.

Proverbs and quotes. Always have fascinated me since childhood. I used to have a number of notepads, diaries and random year calendars. I had a collection of my handwritten quotes at the end of each of them. Strength. Quotes give me strength. They make me focus. They make me keep my eyes open and not forget what its all about.

My tension now? I am just hoping my son or daughter don’t take it down.