A bazillion questions randomly shoot bullets in my mind. I don’t have the answer to them. Sometimes I don’t want an answer.
What am I doing, with myself, with my life? Is this what I wanted? Is this what I prayed for? Is this all I begged God for? How long am I going to be stuck in this place that is not touching my heart no matter how hard I try? Is this love? The eternal one I wanted? Am I doing right by keeping quiet and just pushing on? Why doesn’t anybody understand me? Is it because I have created a wall that is not going to let anyone understand me? Am I so invisible, so hard to comprehend? What exactly is going on? Is this how life is going to continue? Is this how I am going to watch the people I love wither away into their selfish worlds? How long should I be silent? How much longer should I withstand the bands on my inner joys and freedom? Is there an end to the voices in my head? Is there an end to these millions of imaginary situations I create and envision in my mind to fight the monotony and madness of my present? Where and when will I find peace? Is this world really like this where you really won’t get any happiness in large amounts? Does being an adult mean to face challenges all day long, keep a smile plastered on face, and embrace tiny happy seconds of joy once in a while? How do you move ahead in life when everything is so scattered and so hard to gather? How is it not easy to let out feelings of the heart to anyone in this extremely judgemental world? Why does it hurt when I put all of my dreams in one ball, and that ball has fallen in an unreachable place? Why is everything so hard and so difficult? Why am I afraid watching myself melt away losing all of my strengths into a harsh demanding world? Why do I want to cover in a corner and whimper away into the darkness? Why do I want to run far away from mankind? Why am I loathing everything around me? Where is all my positivity gone?
And last of all…
Is God testing me?..or punishing me?
I know the answer to ‘why me?’ …but I don’t know the answer to ‘how long?’ ….
Sometimes life casts a long spell of emptiness. Maybe I am going through one of those corridors of life that has no other doors except the one at the end, bazillion miles away…I’ve got to keep dragging myself, patting my own back, smiling at myself. As I child I really wanted to grow up and do so many things in life. That ‘grown up’ phase of life is so empty, so hollow, so eerie, why didn’t anyone tell us?
I am not going to fool my kids saying growing up is fun. I am going to raise them saying that your ‘Present’ is so much fun.